Friday, June 20, 2008

Balance for Better Communication

By Pamela Jett

The other day I was working with clients and we were discussing how when we are "out of balance" emotionally (such as being angry), spiritually (such as being burnt out), physically (such as not getting good nutrition, rest and exercise) and mentally (not learning new things regularly to enhance career success), it is very difficult to use the good communication skills that we do indeed possess.

For example, if you are tired and feeling a bit overworked or under appreciated, it might be difficult to say "no" with tact and finesse to a colleague who requests that you help them with their project. (for more on how to say no with tact and finesse, check this blog's archives and visit www.JettCT.com for resources) Under more "balanced" circumstances, you might be able to easily access the good communication skills you posses. However, when we are "out of balance", we are more likely to say things we regret. Below are a few quick tips to help you maintain "balance" for better communication.

1. Remember that out of control emotions can make even smart people stupid. We want to be the master of our emotions and not let our emotions be the master of us. How do we do that? By using smart self talk during emotionally charged situations. By that I mean, when you are experiencing intense (and sometimes counter-productive emotions) you can move yourself out of your "emotional processing center" of the brain and into the "logical processing center" of the brain by engaging in smart self-talk such as trying to think of the names of the seven drawfs or doing sophisticated math in your head. By consciously over-riding your emotional processing center and accessing you logical processing center you are far more likely to choose your responses and words wisely in emotionally charged situations.

2. Remember to take time to "feed your soul". It is very difficult in our current culture of be more, do more, have more to take time to relax and "feed your soul". However, taking time in our regular schedule to do things that bring us joy can help us be more balanced. For example, many people take time for a hobby, or to read for pleasure, or to spend time with family and friends, listen to music, garden, the list of possibilities is endless. A balanced person takes time for themselves and spends time in joyful pursuits.

3. Value yourself enough to take care of yourself. This means the simple things like getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night, eating your breakfast, finding time for exercise. While we all know how to take care of ourselves, we often put ourselves last, taking care of everyone and everything else before we take care of ourselves. The flight attendants have it right when they say "put your own oxygen mask on before assisting those around you". An empty well gives no drink. Take the time to take care of yourself and you will find that it is easier to use the good communication skills you do indeed possess.

4. Get new "brain wrinkles" regularly. Did you know that when you learn something new you get a literal "wrinkle" in your brain? The matter in your head creates connections called neuro-pathways and they are like small wrinkles in our brains. The balanced individual takes time to learn new things regularly for their personal and professional development. They know that "knowledge is power", so they make a commitment to invest in themselves. Benjamin Franklin said "empty your pockets to feed your mind and your mind will feed your pockets." Powerful. I am convinced that people who are dedicated to learning new skills (even when it means investing thier own resources to do so) in all areas of their lives are better communicators because they simply have more options to choose from. I applaud the readers of this blog. The purpose of this blog is to provide those new skills, the new "brain wrinkles" so that my readers can experience more communication success.

If you would like more ways to "wrinkle your brain", visit www.JettCT.com. If you have a suggestion or there is a skill set you would like this blog to address, drop a note to Pamela@jettct.com.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com

Monday, June 2, 2008

Three Perspective Changing Questions - Lessons Learned from a Bicycle


by Pamela Jett


I recently made an investment in a new bicycle and I love it! So much so that I couldn’t resist posting a picture of it and sharing the joy. For the past week I have been riding around in my neighborhood and exploring the pathways that line the canals. As a result of being on a bike as opposed to being in a car, I am seeing things I have never seen before (even though I am in familiar territory). The world simply looks different from the perspective of a bike. I’ve noticed trails that I didn’t know existed, parks, and amazing patches of “rural” in the midst of my densely populated suburb.

As I have been riding, I have also been thinking about what a fresh perspective can do to enhance our relationships and our communication. Sometimes when we are communicating with someone, it is wise to try and change our perspective or see things from a fresh point of view. Here are three simple questions you can ask yourself (not out loud – ask yourself internally) during conversations, particularly difficult conversations, to see things in a fresh light and enhance your chance of communication success.

1. What is their ultimate goal in this conversation? In communication, people typically have a goal: to get the job done, to satisfy a customer, to learn something, etc… The interesting thing is - rarely is their goal about us! Sometimes in conversations we tend to take things personally. Perhaps we are interacting with someone who is perhaps a bit brusque or overly direct. It is normal human nature to think they are “being rude to me”. When, in fact, it is probably not about you at all! They might be under a time deadline, they might have a meeting they are running late for, or they might be dealing with a difficult and demanding customer. If we stop and ask ourselves, “what is their ultimate goal in this conversation?” chances are pretty strong that we will recognize that their goal has nothing to do with us (such as trying to ruin our day or rain on our parade); it has everything to do with them and their needs. While this knowledge does not excuse rude behavior on the part of others, it can help us understand the behavior and stop taking it personally.

2. A similar question is what are they afraid of? Most inappropriate communication behavior comes from a place of fear. For example, you might be in a meeting pitching a proposal and one of your colleagues is being strangely resistant, negative, or difficult. Again, human nature would lead us perhaps to take it personally. You might be disappointed, confused, and frustrated that your colleague, who you thought would support you, is being difficult. And, you might start to take it personally. The savvy communicator would stop and ask themselves “what are they afraid of?” This simple question can help us change our perspective, look past the obvious, and find the root of the difficult behavior. For example, they might be afraid of change, or that the learning curve might be too steep, or that their management won’t like it. The possibilities are endless. However, if you know this person and you ask the question, one or two reasonable answers will likely manifest themselves to you. You can then go about addressing that supposed fear if appropriate. And, at minimum, it keeps you from taking it personally.

3. The final question is almost the opposite of the previous two. The next time you are in a conversation that isn’t going as smoothly as you would like or a conversation where your emotions are starting to get the best of you, I challenge you to ask yourself what is my true intention in this conversation? Sometimes the answer is not pretty. When we are brutally honest with ourselves we might, on occasion, recognize that our motives are perhaps not very noble or appropriate. Perhaps we are more interested in being right than in being effective (that is my personal challenge). Or, perhaps we are looking to make the other person feel small so that we can feel bigger by comparison. Sometimes we might be motivated by a desire to simply “pick a fight” because we are actually frustrated by someone or something else. Checking in with our true intentions or motives can often help us make better choices with regards to our communication.

Changing our perspective, looking at something from a different point of view can often help us make better communication choices, stop taking things so personally, and help us build better relationships both at work and at home.

For more communication skills for success, visit Pamela on-line at http://www.jettct.com/. While you are there you can download free communication tools and assessments as well as watch clips of Pamela live.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388, at her website http://www.jettct.com/ , or by e-mail Pamela@JettCT.com.