Friday, July 25, 2008

Empathy - More Than Just a Word

I have recently had the opportunity to present programs on providing extraordinary customer service during tough economic times to several different clients. This program focuses on the "words that matter" when communicating with clients and customers. One of the tools I share during this program has value beyond simply customer service. It is a tool that can help us build, maintain, and even repair relationships of all kinds.



The tool that I am referencing is empathy. Most of us understand empathy to be the ability to project ourselves into the reality (and feelings) of others. In other words, to be able to understand (logically and emotionally) things from another's perspective. Empathetic communication is our ability to share that understanding with the other party. From my experience, many of us are able to feel empathetic towards another person. William James, who many consider to be the father of modern era psychology, teaches us that the deepest need of the human soul is to be understood. However, we can sometimes struggle when trying to communicate that empathy to another person in a way that they do, indeed, feel that we understand.



Here are a few tips to help you effectively communicate empathy:



1. Ditch the phrase I understand or minimize your dependence upon it. While it is perfectly acceptable to use I understand in average conversations, if you are looking to communicate that you really do understand (empathize), it is better to not rely upon trite, over-used, and sometimes shallow phrases. It would be better to say something that reflects the emotion the other person is experiencing. For example, a savvy communicator might say wow - that sounds very frustrating or this must be very frustrating for you. When you reflect back to the person you are communicating with the emotion they are expressing, they are far more likely to feel understood which is the true goal of empathy.

2. Avoid saying I know just how you feel. While you may, indeed, believe you know just how someone feels, rarely does this phrase have the intended effect. Typically, it will elicit the exact opposite - people will feel that all of a sudden the conversation has shifted from a focus on them to a focus on you. Besides, many people use the phrase I know just how you feel as a springboard to start talking about themselves and tell their story. While communicating to someone that you have had similar experiences and can identify with what they are going through is powerful, words matter and it would be better to communicate by allowing them to completely tell their story, ask probing questions, and when they have had the opportunity to thoroughly express themselves you can try something along the lines of - My heart goes out to you. When I went through something I felt very confused and sad. It sounds like you feel the same way. Obviously, this is simply an example. However, the principle behind the example is to reflect the emotions they are expressing without making it about you. Again, the goal of empathetic communication is met.

3. Ask lots of open-ended questions. Questions signal to your conversational partner that you are interested and involved in what he or she is expressing. By asking open-ended (non-leading and non-judgemental) questions, you allow people the opportunity to communicate and sometimes that is all it takes to make them feel understood.

4. Do not say you shouldn't feel that way. While sometimes this phrase is well intended - perhaps we are trying to let someone know that they are taking something personally when there is an alternative explanation - the impact this can have is devastating. The moment we tell someone they shouldn't feel the way they are feeling, we completely invalidate them. Besides, it never works. I've never heard someone respond with ok, I won't. It is more common for people to become defensive and frustrated, which is the complete opposite of empathetic communication.

Empathy is more than just a word. It is a mind-set. By adapting the mind-set that our goal is to communicate understanding, not simply pay lip service to it we can choose our words wisely and communicate empathy with confidence.

For more tools and techniques on communicating with confidence, visit the resource store at http://www.jettct.com/ to order Pamela's popular program Communicate With Confidence. Pamela Jett, CSP is a communication expert, speaker, and author who believes that words matter. For more information on bringing Pamela to your organization or event call Aimee at 855.726.5388 or visit www.JettCT.com.

Monday, July 7, 2008

The Core of Communication Confidence

by Pamela Jett

In my last post I talked about how important balance is for communication success. When we are out of balance in any area of our lives, it can make it very difficult to use the good communication skills most of us do indeed posses. Sometimes, regardless of how well balanced we are, life can throw us a few curves that can threaten to throw us off balance and impact our ability to communicate with confidence. It is at times like these that we must access our "core" in order to have successful communication (and successful relationships) during challenging times.

As many of my regular readers and clients know, I work with a personal trainer several times a week. Her name is Amber and she is terrific! One of the things we do on a regular basis are a series of "balance activities". For example, I will be holding weights (sometimes very heavy ones from my point of view, but not hers!) and then required to step up on a weight bench, balance on one leg, press the weights over my head, lower them, and return to the floor. Remember, this is all while standing on one leg! The only way I can stay up-right during this off balance activity is to tighten (or access) my core, those muscles located in my abdomen and lower back.

Not long ago I was working with clients and I realized that these "balance activities" where I have to access my core are parallel to what life is like for many of us on a regular basis. There are times that no matter how well we try to stay balanced, something will cause us to be off balance. Additionally, most, if not all, of us carry some heavy weights (burdens, responsibilities) on a regular basis. When we are thrown off balance by circumstances, events, someones behavior, a change in the organizational environment (or any of the other challenges life throws at us), most of us still need to be productive. We still need to effectively manage the weights that we carry.

It is at times like these that we must access our "personal core". Our "personal cores" are our values, our character, our inner strength that comes from our personal belief system. The challenging thing for many professionals is that we spend so much of our time dealing with our "weights" that we rarely take the time to ask ourselves the important questions such as "what matters most to me?" or "is this activity moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become" or " what do I want people to say about me when I am gone - what is the legacy I want leave?" These are the "big questions" of life. How we answer these questions typically reflects our highest priorities - our core.

It can be challenging to stay effective, to communicate effectively, when we are managing a heavy burden (weights). It can be even more challenging when life throws us off balance. It is during those heavily burdened, off balance times that our core matters. What is at your core? When we know who we are from the inside out, it is easier to communicate with confidence. We can say no and not feel guilty because we are engaging in behavior consistent with our values and beliefs. We can have the difficult conversations with others who may be engaged in inappropriate behavior because we value ourselves enough not to be doormats, the examples are endless.

I encourage you to find your core. Access it when times are tough. Ask yourself "is my communication moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become?"

For more information on communicating with confidence visit me, Pamela, at http://www.jettct.com/. If you have a success story about a time when you accessed your core for communication confidence, I would love for you to drop me a message at Pamela@jettct.com.

We also have exciting news! On July 9th I will be hosting a powerful teleseminar on providing exceptional customer service during tough economic times. This program will focus on the words and phrases front line service providers ought to use (and those "kiss of death" words and phrases to avoid - some will surprise you) to keep customers thrilled. It is not too late to register. Visit https://my.confertel.net/confertel/crsNewRegister.jsp?program=450002 to register.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website http://www.jettct.com/ .