Words Matter

Trigger Understanding - Not Defensiveness

2009-10-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

by Pamela Jett, CSP

The other day I was having a conversation with a good friend who was expressing some relationship frustration. During our conversation she mentioned that she often felt he was condescending to her just like someone who regularly says "do you understand?" during a conversation.

This got me thinking. As good communicators, we are taught to check for understanding so that we can ensure that we have been understood in the way we intended. Unfortunately, if we regularly ask our conversational partners "do you understand?" it can trigger defensiveness or hostility. When we frequently use that for perception checking we might inadvertently cause others to think we believe they are stupid or somehow just not getting it. So, what can we use instead to check perceptions?

I would suggest trying more open-ended questions such as:

What are your thoughts?
How does that impact you?
What, if anything, can I clarify?

Obviously, which question to use is highly dependent upon the conversation you are having. However, if you replace "do you understand?", which is a closed-ended question, with an open-ended question you not only get better feedback, you are less likely to trigger defensiveness and more likely to have a healthy, happy relationship.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert, speaker, and author who believes that "words matter". She specializes in teaching professionals what to say and what not say in order to improve relationships. For other great communication tools visit www.Jettct.com.

The Bully in the Next Cube

2009-07-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

by Pamela Jett

Difficult people are everywhere. There are exploders, snipers, steamrollers, and chronic complainers in our personal lives and in our professional lives. While it might be possible in our personal lives to avoid difficult people to a degree, it is virtually impossible to do so at work. To make things even more challenging, we cannot make a difficult person not be difficult. Difficult people are difficult because it is working for them. What we can do is train the difficult person that while their difficult behavior might be working with others, it does not work with us. Training a difficult person how to treat you requires some remarkable communication techniques.

One of the most effective techniques is to do the unexpected. Difficult people are used to others responding to them in a predictable fashion. For example, when an exploder explodes or yells he or she is accustomed to having others yell back. They are also used to having others cry, become defensive, or cave in. What they are not expecting is for you to stay calm and to agree with them. The savvy communicator will look for something to agree with in the exploder’s tirade. The vast majority of exploders are what we would call “reasonable” or “rational” exploders which mean they are exploding about something that it is reasonable or rational to become upset over. The challenge for the exploder is how they choose to express their upset. They might scream or yell that a mistake has been made on their account. The savvy communicator would stay calm and say something such as “you are right - this is a serious error and we need to talk about it”. This can catch them off guard and often causes them to settle down and behave in a more emotionally mature fashion.

Another remarkable technique is to use boundary statements. Boundary statements let the difficult person know that you are not going to engage with them if they continue to communicate in an abusive or bullying fashion. For example, if you are dealing with a hothead you might opt to say “this is important and I want to talk about it, just not this way”. You might need to repeat this statement a few times. However, by doing so you are sending a clear message that you are not going to engage with them until they are more civil.

You can also use boundary statements to deal with a steamroller. The classic example of a steamroller is a two year old in the store who demands a cookie over and over and over again and simply will not take no for an answer. Their goal is to wear the adult out so that they get their way. Some people never outgrow this tendency and they are steamrollers as adults and they push and push and push. The goal with a steamroller is to train them that you don’t change your mind simply because they want to outlast you. A useful boundary statement to master is “I see it differently - tell me more if you like.” Of course, a steamroller will tell you more. However, if you consistently tell them you “see it differently” they will eventually understand that while their steamrolling tactics work with others, they don’t work with you.

One of my favorite remarkable techniques is to make the hidden obvious. This technique is most useful when dealing with a sniper. A sniper is the kind of person who likes to take “pot-shots” or make snide or clever “digs”. Most of the time they take their pot-shots in public because they assume you will not have the courage to defy social convention and call them on their inappropriate comments in public. A crucial step in dealing with them is to be willing to call them on their behavior (a form of doing the unexpected) by making the hidden obvious. Here are a few examples:

Wow, I thought I heard an insult in what you just said. Did you mean it that way?

Oh, comments like that sound like you are criticizing my idea. Is that what you intended?

It sounds like you are trying to embarrass me in front of our peers. You’re not doing that are you?

Making the hidden obvious is a two-step process. The first step is to take their hidden agenda and bring it right out in the open. So, if you think they are trying to embarrass you that is what you bring out. The second step is to ask a yes or no question so that you put them in the position of confirming or denying your perception. The good news is the vast majority of snipers will back-peddle and deny. And although you’ve not had them admit to their inappropriate behavior, that is fine. Because now they know that you are not afraid to call them on their inappropriate behavior and they will think twice about being a sniper with you again. You will have successfully trained them how to treat you.

Probing questions are also remarkably useful - particularly when dealing with a chronic complainer. Chronic complainers are often simply looking for someone to reward them by commiserating with them. Instead of commiserating, try saying “I can tell this really bothers you. What do you think ought to be done about it?” Or, “That is frustrating. What is your plan for dealing with it?” These are often questions they can’t answer. And, if every time they come to you for commiseration you ask them how to solve the problem, they will soon see coming to you as work and they will stop coming to you. Or, and this is even better, they just might come up with a solution and they will have transformed from a chronic complainer to a problem solver.

Difficult people are everywhere, sometimes even in the next cube. It is not possible to make the difficult person not be difficult. What we can do is use remarkable communication techniques to train the difficult person that while their difficult behavior may be rewarded by others, it will not be rewarded by us.

Pamela Jett is a communucation skills expert, speaker, and author. For other great communication tools visit www.Jettct.com.

A Hairy Leadership Issue

2009-04-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett, CSP

In the course of doing some research for a current consulting/coaching client I ran across a very interesting piece of research. Apparently there is a statistically significant correlation between the side (right or left) of the head men and women choose for a hair part and their perceived leadership abilities. According to this rather wacky research, leaders who part their hair on the right were seen as less capable than leaders who part their hair on the left. Go figure.

My intent is not to send you rushing to the mirror (while I confess I took a quick peak at mine and yes, I am slightly to the right - oops!) Rather, I thought the research was an interesting case study in how minor things can often influence the perception others have of us. It is sometimes tempting to only pay attention to major issues when looking to increase our overall leadership and communication effectiveness. I have long held the belief that the average person pays attention to, and often works to improve, the major things. The professional who is willing to go beyond the major, the obvious, and the most common areas of development and look at minor things that can make a major difference is the professional who will stand out in a crowd of "average".

So, what are you doing today to move your career, your business, your professionalism forward? Are you consciously looking for ways to improve, both major and minor? Do you engage in frequent self-analysis to look at what you ought to start doing, what you ought to stop doing, and what you ought to continue doing to keep yourself valuable to your organization or customer? As you move on a path of self or career-development, I would encourage you to look at the major and the minor things you can improve to make a huge difference in your career success.

Now, if you will excuse me. I'm off to re-style my hair!

If you have any examples of small changes that you have made to your communication that have made a big difference, I would love to hear from you. Drop me a note at Pamela@JettCT.com or post a response to this blog. For more information about developing remarkable communication skills for remarkable results, visit my website at http://www.jettct.com/.

Economic Downturn and Professional Development

2009-03-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

At first glance, the phrases "economic downturn" and "professional development" likely don't seem very congruent. However, I see it differently. I believe it is extraordinarily important during an economic downturn for individuals and organizations to be committed to professional development. The challenge is that during an economic downturn, many organizations and individuals may believe that professional development is a luxury they just cannot afford.

Knowledge is power and the more we know the better decisions we typically make, the quicker we are able to solve problems, the more creative we can be in thinking of ways to stimulate the bottom line. I believe there are really only two ways to gain knowledge.

One way to gain knowledge is in the "school of hard knocks". By that I mean learning things through experimentation, through trial and error, by making things up as we go along (anyone currently enrolled?) While there is nothing wrong with learning from our own mistakes and experiences (in fact, some would argue, and I would agree, that there really is no such thing as failure unless we fail to learn) the "school of hard knocks" does come with a hefty tuition bill. We can make expensive mistakes, engage in career damaging decisions, and pay a hefty price in terms of our professional reputation and opportunity cost. All this is in addition to the actual "cost" (money, customer loyalty, etc...) a mistake or an error might incur. In challenging economic times, regardless of your current job status, can you really afford to learn things the hard way? I doubt it. I know that I can't.

Which is why I am a HUGE advocate of the second way to learn things - through the knowledge, experience, and advice of others. I want to proactively tap into the resources that are available to me to help me get results without having to experience a steep learning curve. I genuinely believe this approach will help me work smarter. I will gladly part with some of my hard earned resources and my time to attend a workshop, listen to a podcast, or read a book if the end result is that I am able to put into practice tools that will bring more value to my customers or organization. I can't afford to make a foolish error simply because I was neglecting my professional development and thought that attending a workshop was a luxury I couldn't afford. I look at professional development as something I can't afford to neglect at this time.

So, I've been attending workshops, meetings, conventions, listening to audios, reading books, and tapping into mentors like at no other time in my professional career. Yes, some of this costs money. Yes, it all takes my valuable time (opportunity cost.) And yes, I am confident I will see a return on my investment.

My question to you is, what are you doing today to make yourself more valuable to your employer or customer tomorrow? Are you actively acquiring new knowledge? Are you proactively seeking new information to help you solve problems and grow the bottom line? Are you focusing on fear or are you focusing on opportunity? Are you spending your valuable time and cognitive processes bemoaning the economy or are you accepting that we live in challenging times and focusing your energy and efforts on improving yourself?

If you could take every second, every minute, every hour of the last 30 days that you've spent discussing economic problems, listening to pundits repeat the bad news and point fingers and added them all up, how much time and energy would that be? How much more fruitful would that time be if spent on professional development? In challenging economic times, professional development is one luxury in which we can't afford not to indulge.

Pamela Jett is a professional speaker who teaches remarkable communication skills for remarkable results to professionals around the world. She can be found at http://www.jettct.com/ . If you are interested in booking Pamela to speak at your organization or event, call Aimee at 866.726.5388. You can also follow Pamela on Twitter or join her on Facebook.

Are You Suffering From B.S.O. Syndrome?

2009-01-16T10:41:00.000-08:00

By Pamela Jett

Just in case you are wondering, I made it up. Despite that fact, you might still be suffering from B.S.O. Syndrome, otherwise known as "Bright Shiny Object" Syndrome. I know that I suffer from it on a somewhat regular basis. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you too, might find that B.S.O. Syndrome is impacting your success.

Did you set goals, make resolutions, or create a vision board for 2009 only to find yourself two weeks later (and yes, it has only been two weeks) no further along than when you started?

Do you have a few "unpleasant tasks" that you keep putting off in favor of doing something else? By the way, most of the time the "something else" is something we can justify.

Do you often reach the end of the day and wonder where the time went and why you don't feel a great sense of accomplishment?

Are you easily distracted by things that are fun or enjoyable? (the bright shiny object)

Do you engage in any "compulsive" type behavior? (like constantly checking e-mail, or surfing the net with no real purpose)

If you answered "yes" to even one of the above questions, you just might be suffering from a bit of "B.S.O. Syndrome". When we are easily distracted from those things that will lead to our success by things that are appealing or fun, our productivity can suffer. Now, of course, I am all in favor of having fun and enjoying a few bright, shiny objects from time to time. However, that comes with a price and when the price is too great, it is time to focus. Here are a few focus tips to help overcome B.S.O. Syndrome in 2009.

1. Post your goals or vision boards where you see them regularly. This serves as a visual reminder of what matters most to you.

2. Ask yourself is making this decision moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become?

3. Ask yourself what do I want and what am I willing to give up to get it?

4. Declare yourself publicly. Let a few trusted people know what you are trying to accomplish and have them help hold you accountable.

5. Be gentle on yourself. The way we communicate to ourselves is very powerful. If you beat yourself up or are extremely hard on yourself for not accomplishing things as quickly as you would like or with the amazing results you wanted, you only serve to discourage yourself from moving forward. Essentially, you are saying to yourself that whatever success you had wasn't good enough, so why bother trying. Be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack. If you have a day where you lose focus, try to be better the next day. Don't beat yourself up. I am currently working with a business coach on a few issues and every session starts with a re-cap of what I've accomplished since my last session. I've learned that I am pretty hard on myself and one of the wonderful "ah-has" I've experienced is that it is OK to not always be going as hard or as fast as I would like and that any movement forward is a reason to smile. Success builds on success. Be gentle on yourself.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who teaches remarkable communication skills for remarkable results to professionals worldwide. She can be reached at http://www.jettct.com/. Many of her remarkable tools are available on audio cd and can be found at the success store at http://www.jettct.com/. If you would like to bring Pamela to your organization to share her remarkable communication tools, call Aimee at 866.726.5388. And, of course, you can reach Pamela directly at Pamela@JettCT.com.

What's Your 2009 Vision?

2009-01-04T20:02:00.000-08:00

By Pamela Jett

If you were to look at the floor of my office over the last few days you would see evidence of my New Year's ritual, creating vision boards. For the last several years I have not made any resolutions or set goals. Instead I have created two vision boards. One is for my personal life and the other is for my professional life.

Vision boards are a visual representation of the life I want to lead in the up-coming year. I just e-mailed a picture of my completed vision boards to a good friend. He promptly e-mailed me back and expressed a bit of surprise because my vision boards are not made with a lot of magazine pictures. Most people use magazine or other pictures to create some sort of collage. I believe that is a valid way of creating a vision board and I know many successful people who have that as their approach. I take a slightly diffferent approach.

I don’t really use a lot of pictures because my “vision” is not really about “things” like cars, houses, etc… (although those things are nice and worthy of visualization). My vision is more about how I want my life to unfold during the year. For example, one of the things that I envision for 2009 is to continue to lead a life full of meaningful relationships. So, I have words and phrases on my vision board to support those relationships. Also represented are things I want to do more of like dancing, finding new venues to hear live music, and travel to some specific locations such as Spain. They are on my board because they are related to one of my priorities which is discovering joy. I also have a few commitments to health and fitness represented because that is part of living a balanced life. Every year I have a theme for the year. This year's theme is the same as last year's theme (I liked it so much that I'm not ready to make a change.) My theme for 2009 is Discover Joy, Practice Balance, Live in Abundance. So, there are large scale action items such as "say yes" on my vision board.

You can see a picture of this year's vision board here. I thought I would share it in hopes of inspiring you to create your own vision board. Make it your own, use your creativity, use pictures if that works for you, and post your board where you can see it every day. Mine is in my office. I've been using vision boards of some sort or another for about 10 years. It is a practice that helps keep me focused on what I want and, the great news is, when I look back on the past several years, much of my "vision" has come to fruition. Happy New Year!

A Great Holiday Stress Buster

2008-11-26T10:37:00.000-08:00

By Pamela Jett

What a wonderful time of year this is! I am so very grateful for all of my many blessings; wonderful family, terrific friends, great clients, and tremendous opportunities. This is also a time of year when many of us feel somewhat stressed and over-committed both socially and professionally.

I recently heard a great suggestion (thanks LeAnn Thiemann!) that I would like to pass along to help ease the holiday pressure. Whenever someone asks you to do something, attend an event, participate in the potluck etc... try saying "Thank you for thinking of me. Let me think about it a bit (or check my schedule) and I will get back to you." When we use this approach we decrease the likelihood that we will say yes to something due to the pressure of the moment. And, it also deceases the likelihood that we will over-commit or double-book ourselves. By taking time to ponder the opportunity, you are more likely to stay focused on your priorities during this wonderful and hectic season. Of course, do people the courtesy of actually getting back to them in a timely manner. In some instances that might be within the hour or a day or two later, depending on the request.

Confident capable professionals and effective individuals are able to set limits and boundaries and manage their schedules. Remember, where you spend your time is a true indicator of your priorities. And, when our beliefs and our actions are not consistent with one another, that is a sure fire recipe for stress. When the way we behave (how we spend our time) is truly in alignment with our beliefs and priorities, we reduce guilt, eliminate stress, and can focus on what matters most in our lives.

If you have a boundary statement or a communication tool you use to experience less stress and more joy during the holidays, comment on this blog. Or, send an e-mail to Pamela@Jettct.com

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website http://www.jettct.com/ .

It's Time to Work Smarter and Harder

2008-10-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

We are all familiar with the old saying "work smarter not harder" and for years I have been teaching professionals how to do just that. And then the other day I was having a conversation with a colleague that made me realize that in our current economic environment, that advice is not only trite, it is foolhardy. I believe at this time it is imperative for professionals, whether an employee, leader, or small business owner, to work both smarter and harder.What does that mean? I think it takes a combination of both smarts and tremendous effort and energy to stay so valuable to your organization (and/or your customers) that if and when downsizing or reorganizing impacts your organization; you will not be one of the first to be "voted off the island". There is no such thing as job security and when times become tough, it is up to each of us to become even more proactive about our career development. Sometimes that means we must not only think strategically (that's the "smarter" part), we must spend more effort and energy in implementation and/or take bigger steps out of our comfort zones to develop new skills, contribute in new ways, and take on new responsibilities (that's the "harder" part). Here are three powerful ideas to help you work smarter and harder.

1. Know your leader's pain (and their leader's pain) and be a pain reliever. Every leader has his or her hot buttons or pet issues. They also each are under pressure from their leader to produce results. The savvy professional pays attention to the issues that cause the most stress or strain on their leadership and work very hard to leverage their contributions to ease their leader's pain. We each have limited time in a day and while during tough economic times we might find ourselves working longer hours or taking on more projects, we also want to be cognizant of the value of each project. Are you proactively seeking ways to keep your plate full of high-leverage projects and responsibilities? Or, are you simply taking the assignments that are given to you? The savvy professional doesn't wait for their leaders "pain" to be handed to them. They look for the pain (smarter) and work (harder) at finding ways to relieve that pain.

2. Make or save your organization money and brag about it. During tough economic times, most organizations (and customers) are taking a closer look at every dollar spent. And, they are paying very close attention to revenue streams. Regardless of your position in your organization, you have the opportunity to make or save your organization money. It is time to start focusing on that part of your job even more. That might mean being more proactive when negotiating with vendors, looking for alternative ways to accomplish more with less, or spending a bit more time prospecting to fill the sales funnel. When you make or save your organization money, it is imperative to brag about it. Now is not the time to be a shrinking violet or shy about tooting your own horn. Keep a spreadsheet that logs the money you are making and/or saving. Then, send your leadership regular up-dates. Be willing to speak up in meetings and share when appropriate. If you are waiting for others to notice your efforts, it won't happen. They are far too busy managing their own career success to be focused on yours! Now is the time to speak up!

3. "Empty your pockets to feed your mind and your mind will feed your pockets". This can be challenging advice to take during tough economic times. At a time when every dollar counts, many of us might be tempted to cut back on our personal investment in our skills and abilities. Perhaps you are thinking about returning to school for an advanced degree (smart and hard), but have decided to put it off (even though your organization currently compensates you for the much of the cost). Or, you have been thinking about buying some books with money from your own pocket to help you become more proficient with a computer program and you are hesitant to spend the money. While I am not advocating senseless spending or personal fiscal irresponsibility, I urge you to consider that now is not the time to be "penny wise and dollar foolish". What if attaining an advanced degree is valued in your organization or on your career path? Having that degree might keep you employed or make you more employable in the future. Being more proficient with a computer program will allow you to be more productive and make a greater contribution to your organization. Yes, it can be hard to make the personal sacrifice and invest in yourself. However, in the knowledge economy (as opposed to a time/labor economy) in which most professionals work, your skills and abilities are really all you have to offer your current or future employer. Be wise, invest in yourself. Now more than ever, that is both smart and hard!

We are living in challenging times. Now is the time to work both smarter and harder. If you have suggestions on how to do this, I would love to hear from you. Drop me a note at Pamela@Jettct.com or comment on this blog. If you would like more ideas on how to advance your career, visit the success store at http://www.jettct.com/ to learn about Pamela's powerful 4 audio CD series Mind Your Own Business - A Career Advancement System.

Pamela Jett, CSP is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. You can find information about her including how to bring her to your next meeting or event when you visit http://www.jettct.com/. Or, you can call Aimee at 1.866.726.5388. By Pamela Jett

It Drives Me Crazy When...

2008-09-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

We all have pet peeves at work. Things that people say or do that drives you to distraction or truly gets on your nerves. This post is devoted to those things that we wish people would not do or say. They may be small things, but like a splinter, they can be painful.

Over the last dozen years I have been conducting communication workshops and seminars all over the world. My clients have been more than willing to share with me what gets on their nerves at work. Here are the top two:

1. When people say are you busy? This is such an irritating question because there is no right answer. We all know that when someone, our leader or a co-worker, asks this question they are really trying to ask if now is a good time to talk or if we are available for them. The challenge is, if we answer "no - I'm not busy" - theoretically, the desired response, we are admitting we are not working. However, if we say we are busy, we sound unhelpful or unwilling to work as a team player.

2. Do you have a minute? Is another irritating question. Nothing takes just a minute! This is a classic case of bait and switch! People ask for a minute and wind up engaging us in a half hour conversation.

So, my question to readers of this blog is what is your pet peeve? What makes you crazy when your leader says it? What do you wish your colleague would stop saying? Please post a comment to this blog. I would love to hear from you. You can also send me an e-mail at Pamela@JettCT.com.

Pamela Jett, CSP is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. You can find information about her including how to bring her to your next meeting or event when you visit http://www.jettct.com/. Or, you can call Aimee at 1.866.726.5388.

"Phelpsian Feet" (Or Ought that to be Feat?)

2008-08-21T17:35:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

It seems that everyone is talking and blogging about Michael Phelps and his incredible feat (or ought that to be feet?) Like most people, I was so impressed by his discipline, his focus, his commitment, and his passion. It is so very easy to see applications to our lives as we work to achieve our goals and objectives personally and professionally. Much media was spent talking about the piece of paper he carried with him. No one had any idea what was on the piece of paper until after he won his 8th gold medal. He revealed that the paper simply contained his intention for the games – to win 8 gold medals. What a terrific example of the basic principles of goal setting – write your goals down and read them regularly. This increases the likelihood you will achieve them.

I was also intrigued by the media attention paid to Michael’s body type. He is essentially built for swimming; in particular he has long fingers and long feet. At one point, one of his team-mates used the term “Phelpsian feet” to describe how Michael’s feet are one of the reasons he is so great.

This got me thinking about how each one of us has our own “Phelpsian feet”. There is some skill, some talent, some strength, some unique skill or ability that each of us possesses. Are you using your “Phelpsian feet” to your advantage? Do you know what your strengths are? Are you volunteering for projects or assignments that can allow you to use those strengths?

Part of being an amazing communicator is to know how to communicate your value and worth in the workplace. In previous posts and in many of my programs I talk about sending out “I’m great up-dates” to keep your leaders in the loop regarding your contribution to the organization. It is so much easier to do this when you know your own strengths and you leverage those strengths to your advantage.

Michael Phelps is a great swimmer because he not only has the discipline to be great; he used his “Phelpsian feet” to become great at a sport he was uniquely suited for. Could you imagine him trying to be a world-class gymnast? He might have had the same discipline and the same passion to succeed. However, I doubt he would have been world-class. He is simply not built for it. He is built to swim and to swim fast. I challenge you to discover your own “Phelpsian feet” so you can experience tremendous feats of your own.

For more communication skills for success, visit Pamela on-line at http://www.jettct.com/. While you are there you can download free communication tools and assessments as well as watch clips of Pamela live.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388, at her website http://www.jettct.com/ , or Pamela@JettCT.com .

How to Be Heard Through the Noise

2008-08-09T10:13:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

I recently returned from a trip to NYC where I attended the annual convention of the National Speakers Association. The convention was wonderful! I had the opportunity hear and learn from world class speakers and tremendous thought leaders. Steve Forbes was on the main platform, I heard Tim Ferriss speak who is the author of the great book The Four Hour Workweek (I also saw him break-dance for that matter), and I also was able to hear Cathie Black who is the President of Hearst Magazines and the author of a terrific book every professional woman ought to read, Basic Black. While listening and learning from these speakers was tremendous, one of my most memorable experiences happened away from the meeting rooms and the main stage.

The convention was held at a hotel right on Time's Square. If you have ever been there, you know it is lit up with neon advertising 24/7. Things are going non-stop all day long. Advertisers compete for consumer attention in garish, flashing, huge displays - everywhere. One afternoon, while having a lovely conversation with a colleague and friend, I had the opportunity to sit in a restaurant high above Times Square and look out over all the visual stimulus. I was struck by several things; two of them involving all the visual "noise". First, I was struck by how lucky I am to do what I love for a living and travel. I was sitting overlooking something that many people only see on television. I am blessed to have wonderful opportunities to see amazing sites and do interesting things. I was also thinking that it is amazing that any advertiser can get anyone's attention - there is just so much competition. It is information and stimulus overload. This is rather like the average professional's day. E-mail, text messages, voice-mail, meetings, e-zines, proposals, contracts - yikes! It is information overload! It is a wonder anything is ever heard through the noise. If you are looking to stand out - to get the attention of another professional - you must do everything in your power to position your message strategically. Here are three tips for increasing the likelihood that you will be "heard through the noise".

1. Lead with your conclusions. If you are looking to grab someone's attention, lead with how much money your proposal will save them, or how many hours will be saved - essentially deliver the bottom line right up front. This will help grab attention and establish your credibility. For example, you could approach your leader and say "I have a solution to the distribution challenge we are facing that will shave 10% off our current costs".

2. Put things in writing. While not always necessary, people do tend to take things more seriously if they are in writing. For example, if you are in a meeting and want to garner support for your position, have a handout or some sort of documentation to share with others. This shows that you are serious and that you have done your homework. It also increases the likelihood that you will get credit for your contributions.

3. Ask "is now a good time to talk?" Respect for other people's time is very important. If you would like someone's attention, ask for it as opposed to assuming they are available. This is especially important if you are trying to get the attention of someone who works in a cube. If they say no, ask when you can schedule a conversation. To some of us, this may seem like simple common courtesy. However, when I conduct workshops and programs all over the United States, I hear complaint after complaint that people just "barge in" and assume it is convenient. Stand out from the crowd and be respectful.

While not guaranteeing that others will give you their undivided attention, using these tips can greatly increase your ability to be heard through the noise. For more tools, tips, and techniques, visit Pamela's website, http://www.jettct.com/, and go to the resource store.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who provides programs to associations, organizations and executives. To see Pamela live, you can go to her website, http://www.jettct.com/. Feel free to comment on this blog and pass it on to others. You can also e-mail Pamela at Pamela@JettCT.com.

Empathy - More Than Just a Word

2008-07-25T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have recently had the opportunity to present programs on providing extraordinary customer service during tough economic times to several different clients. This program focuses on the "words that matter" when communicating with clients and customers. One of the tools I share during this program has value beyond simply customer service. It is a tool that can help us build, maintain, and even repair relationships of all kinds.

The tool that I am referencing is empathy. Most of us understand empathy to be the ability to project ourselves into the reality (and feelings) of others. In other words, to be able to understand (logically and emotionally) things from another's perspective. Empathetic communication is our ability to share that understanding with the other party. From my experience, many of us are able to feel empathetic towards another person. William James, who many consider to be the father of modern era psychology, teaches us that the deepest need of the human soul is to be understood. However, we can sometimes struggle when trying to communicate that empathy to another person in a way that they do, indeed, feel that we understand.

Here are a few tips to help you effectively communicate empathy:

1. Ditch the phrase I understand or minimize your dependence upon it. While it is perfectly acceptable to use I understand in average conversations, if you are looking to communicate that you really do understand (empathize), it is better to not rely upon trite, over-used, and sometimes shallow phrases. It would be better to say something that reflects the emotion the other person is experiencing. For example, a savvy communicator might say wow - that sounds very frustrating or this must be very frustrating for you. When you reflect back to the person you are communicating with the emotion they are expressing, they are far more likely to feel understood which is the true goal of empathy.

2. Avoid saying I know just how you feel. While you may, indeed, believe you know just how someone feels, rarely does this phrase have the intended effect. Typically, it will elicit the exact opposite - people will feel that all of a sudden the conversation has shifted from a focus on them to a focus on you. Besides, many people use the phrase I know just how you feel as a springboard to start talking about themselves and tell their story. While communicating to someone that you have had similar experiences and can identify with what they are going through is powerful, words matter and it would be better to communicate by allowing them to completely tell their story, ask probing questions, and when they have had the opportunity to thoroughly express themselves you can try something along the lines of - My heart goes out to you. When I went through something I felt very confused and sad. It sounds like you feel the same way. Obviously, this is simply an example. However, the principle behind the example is to reflect the emotions they are expressing without making it about you. Again, the goal of empathetic communication is met.

3. Ask lots of open-ended questions. Questions signal to your conversational partner that you are interested and involved in what he or she is expressing. By asking open-ended (non-leading and non-judgemental) questions, you allow people the opportunity to communicate and sometimes that is all it takes to make them feel understood.

4. Do not say you shouldn't feel that way. While sometimes this phrase is well intended - perhaps we are trying to let someone know that they are taking something personally when there is an alternative explanation - the impact this can have is devastating. The moment we tell someone they shouldn't feel the way they are feeling, we completely invalidate them. Besides, it never works. I've never heard someone respond with ok, I won't. It is more common for people to become defensive and frustrated, which is the complete opposite of empathetic communication.

Empathy is more than just a word. It is a mind-set. By adapting the mind-set that our goal is to communicate understanding, not simply pay lip service to it we can choose our words wisely and communicate empathy with confidence.

For more tools and techniques on communicating with confidence, visit the resource store at http://www.jettct.com/ to order Pamela's popular program Communicate With Confidence. Pamela Jett, CSP is a communication expert, speaker, and author who believes that words matter. For more information on bringing Pamela to your organization or event call Aimee at 855.726.5388 or visit www.JettCT.com.

The Core of Communication Confidence

2008-07-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

by Pamela Jett

In my last post I talked about how important balance is for communication success. When we are out of balance in any area of our lives, it can make it very difficult to use the good communication skills most of us do indeed posses. Sometimes, regardless of how well balanced we are, life can throw us a few curves that can threaten to throw us off balance and impact our ability to communicate with confidence. It is at times like these that we must access our "core" in order to have successful communication (and successful relationships) during challenging times.

As many of my regular readers and clients know, I work with a personal trainer several times a week. Her name is Amber and she is terrific! One of the things we do on a regular basis are a series of "balance activities". For example, I will be holding weights (sometimes very heavy ones from my point of view, but not hers!) and then required to step up on a weight bench, balance on one leg, press the weights over my head, lower them, and return to the floor. Remember, this is all while standing on one leg! The only way I can stay up-right during this off balance activity is to tighten (or access) my core, those muscles located in my abdomen and lower back.

Not long ago I was working with clients and I realized that these "balance activities" where I have to access my core are parallel to what life is like for many of us on a regular basis. There are times that no matter how well we try to stay balanced, something will cause us to be off balance. Additionally, most, if not all, of us carry some heavy weights (burdens, responsibilities) on a regular basis. When we are thrown off balance by circumstances, events, someones behavior, a change in the organizational environment (or any of the other challenges life throws at us), most of us still need to be productive. We still need to effectively manage the weights that we carry.

It is at times like these that we must access our "personal core". Our "personal cores" are our values, our character, our inner strength that comes from our personal belief system. The challenging thing for many professionals is that we spend so much of our time dealing with our "weights" that we rarely take the time to ask ourselves the important questions such as "what matters most to me?" or "is this activity moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become" or " what do I want people to say about me when I am gone - what is the legacy I want leave?" These are the "big questions" of life. How we answer these questions typically reflects our highest priorities - our core.

It can be challenging to stay effective, to communicate effectively, when we are managing a heavy burden (weights). It can be even more challenging when life throws us off balance. It is during those heavily burdened, off balance times that our core matters. What is at your core? When we know who we are from the inside out, it is easier to communicate with confidence. We can say no and not feel guilty because we are engaging in behavior consistent with our values and beliefs. We can have the difficult conversations with others who may be engaged in inappropriate behavior because we value ourselves enough not to be doormats, the examples are endless.

I encourage you to find your core. Access it when times are tough. Ask yourself "is my communication moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become?"

For more information on communicating with confidence visit me, Pamela, at http://www.jettct.com/. If you have a success story about a time when you accessed your core for communication confidence, I would love for you to drop me a message at Pamela@jettct.com.

We also have exciting news! On July 9th I will be hosting a powerful teleseminar on providing exceptional customer service during tough economic times. This program will focus on the words and phrases front line service providers ought to use (and those "kiss of death" words and phrases to avoid - some will surprise you) to keep customers thrilled. It is not too late to register. Visit https://my.confertel.net/confertel/crsNewRegister.jsp?program=450002 to register.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website http://www.jettct.com/ .

Balance for Better Communication

2008-06-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

The other day I was working with clients and we were discussing how when we are "out of balance" emotionally (such as being angry), spiritually (such as being burnt out), physically (such as not getting good nutrition, rest and exercise) and mentally (not learning new things regularly to enhance career success), it is very difficult to use the good communication skills that we do indeed possess.

For example, if you are tired and feeling a bit overworked or under appreciated, it might be difficult to say "no" with tact and finesse to a colleague who requests that you help them with their project. (for more on how to say no with tact and finesse, check this blog's archives and visit www.JettCT.com for resources) Under more "balanced" circumstances, you might be able to easily access the good communication skills you posses. However, when we are "out of balance", we are more likely to say things we regret. Below are a few quick tips to help you maintain "balance" for better communication.

1. Remember that out of control emotions can make even smart people stupid. We want to be the master of our emotions and not let our emotions be the master of us. How do we do that? By using smart self talk during emotionally charged situations. By that I mean, when you are experiencing intense (and sometimes counter-productive emotions) you can move yourself out of your "emotional processing center" of the brain and into the "logical processing center" of the brain by engaging in smart self-talk such as trying to think of the names of the seven drawfs or doing sophisticated math in your head. By consciously over-riding your emotional processing center and accessing you logical processing center you are far more likely to choose your responses and words wisely in emotionally charged situations.

2. Remember to take time to "feed your soul". It is very difficult in our current culture of be more, do more, have more to take time to relax and "feed your soul". However, taking time in our regular schedule to do things that bring us joy can help us be more balanced. For example, many people take time for a hobby, or to read for pleasure, or to spend time with family and friends, listen to music, garden, the list of possibilities is endless. A balanced person takes time for themselves and spends time in joyful pursuits.

3. Value yourself enough to take care of yourself. This means the simple things like getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night, eating your breakfast, finding time for exercise. While we all know how to take care of ourselves, we often put ourselves last, taking care of everyone and everything else before we take care of ourselves. The flight attendants have it right when they say "put your own oxygen mask on before assisting those around you". An empty well gives no drink. Take the time to take care of yourself and you will find that it is easier to use the good communication skills you do indeed possess.

4. Get new "brain wrinkles" regularly. Did you know that when you learn something new you get a literal "wrinkle" in your brain? The matter in your head creates connections called neuro-pathways and they are like small wrinkles in our brains. The balanced individual takes time to learn new things regularly for their personal and professional development. They know that "knowledge is power", so they make a commitment to invest in themselves. Benjamin Franklin said "empty your pockets to feed your mind and your mind will feed your pockets." Powerful. I am convinced that people who are dedicated to learning new skills (even when it means investing thier own resources to do so) in all areas of their lives are better communicators because they simply have more options to choose from. I applaud the readers of this blog. The purpose of this blog is to provide those new skills, the new "brain wrinkles" so that my readers can experience more communication success.

If you would like more ways to "wrinkle your brain", visit www.JettCT.com. If you have a suggestion or there is a skill set you would like this blog to address, drop a note to Pamela@jettct.com.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com

Three Perspective Changing Questions - Lessons Learned from a Bicycle

2008-06-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

by Pamela Jett

I recently made an investment in a new bicycle and I love it! So much so that I couldn’t resist posting a picture of it and sharing the joy. For the past week I have been riding around in my neighborhood and exploring the pathways that line the canals. As a result of being on a bike as opposed to being in a car, I am seeing things I have never seen before (even though I am in familiar territory). The world simply looks different from the perspective of a bike. I’ve noticed trails that I didn’t know existed, parks, and amazing patches of “rural” in the midst of my densely populated suburb.

As I have been riding, I have also been thinking about what a fresh perspective can do to enhance our relationships and our communication. Sometimes when we are communicating with someone, it is wise to try and change our perspective or see things from a fresh point of view. Here are three simple questions you can ask yourself (not out loud – ask yourself internally) during conversations, particularly difficult conversations, to see things in a fresh light and enhance your chance of communication success.

1. What is their ultimate goal in this conversation? In communication, people typically have a goal: to get the job done, to satisfy a customer, to learn something, etc… The interesting thing is - rarely is their goal about us! Sometimes in conversations we tend to take things personally. Perhaps we are interacting with someone who is perhaps a bit brusque or overly direct. It is normal human nature to think they are “being rude to me”. When, in fact, it is probably not about you at all! They might be under a time deadline, they might have a meeting they are running late for, or they might be dealing with a difficult and demanding customer. If we stop and ask ourselves, “what is their ultimate goal in this conversation?” chances are pretty strong that we will recognize that their goal has nothing to do with us (such as trying to ruin our day or rain on our parade); it has everything to do with them and their needs. While this knowledge does not excuse rude behavior on the part of others, it can help us understand the behavior and stop taking it personally.

2. A similar question is what are they afraid of? Most inappropriate communication behavior comes from a place of fear. For example, you might be in a meeting pitching a proposal and one of your colleagues is being strangely resistant, negative, or difficult. Again, human nature would lead us perhaps to take it personally. You might be disappointed, confused, and frustrated that your colleague, who you thought would support you, is being difficult. And, you might start to take it personally. The savvy communicator would stop and ask themselves “what are they afraid of?” This simple question can help us change our perspective, look past the obvious, and find the root of the difficult behavior. For example, they might be afraid of change, or that the learning curve might be too steep, or that their management won’t like it. The possibilities are endless. However, if you know this person and you ask the question, one or two reasonable answers will likely manifest themselves to you. You can then go about addressing that supposed fear if appropriate. And, at minimum, it keeps you from taking it personally.

3. The final question is almost the opposite of the previous two. The next time you are in a conversation that isn’t going as smoothly as you would like or a conversation where your emotions are starting to get the best of you, I challenge you to ask yourself what is my true intention in this conversation? Sometimes the answer is not pretty. When we are brutally honest with ourselves we might, on occasion, recognize that our motives are perhaps not very noble or appropriate. Perhaps we are more interested in being right than in being effective (that is my personal challenge). Or, perhaps we are looking to make the other person feel small so that we can feel bigger by comparison. Sometimes we might be motivated by a desire to simply “pick a fight” because we are actually frustrated by someone or something else. Checking in with our true intentions or motives can often help us make better choices with regards to our communication.

Changing our perspective, looking at something from a different point of view can often help us make better communication choices, stop taking things so personally, and help us build better relationships both at work and at home.

For more communication skills for success, visit Pamela on-line at http://www.jettct.com/. While you are there you can download free communication tools and assessments as well as watch clips of Pamela live.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388, at her website http://www.jettct.com/ , or by e-mail Pamela@JettCT.com.

Thinking about "The Thinker"

2008-05-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

I had the wonderful opportunity recently to take a much needed vacation. I went to two of the world's most amazing cities, London and Paris. During my time I soaked up art, architecture, cultural diversity, and plenty of pain au chocolate (in Paris, of course). One of the highlights of my time was a visit to the Rodin sculpture museum and garden. Housed in the garden is the original (there are numerous authentic copies worldwide) sculpture entitled "The Thinker". I've posted a picture for your reference. This is perhaps Rodin's most famous piece of work. While I have seen it before, I learned something new about "The Thinker" this time.

I, like most people, have always thought that "The Thinker" represented a man pondering the great questions of existence such as "what is the meaning of life?" What I learned was that contrary to my belief, the sculpture was intended to represent a man pondering more personal questions such as "what do I do now?" or "where do I go next?" These, more personal questions, also have universal appeal and are no less difficult to answer for the average individual.

As I was pondering this information and my own "ah ha" moment, I was struck by the environment in which Rodin created his masterpiece. He worked in a villa filled with his students and proteges. They lived and worked together, creating some of the most awe inspiring sculpture the world has ever known. This fertile environment allowed these creative minds to work together, feed off one another, support one another, and learn from one another.

What is the link between these two observations? It struck me that most professionals often ponder "what do I do now? or "what do I say now?" when managing or negotiating relationships via communication, particularly when we are planning difficult conversations or dealing with difficult people. Rodin created a fertile environment in which to learn and grow. What environment have you created for yourself to grow and learn? Do you have people in your life who serve as mentors or roles models that you can tap into when you need inspiration or a creative way to solve a communication dilemma? Do you have a library of resources that can help you craft a powerful communication approach or are you flying by the seat of your pants and trying to figure everything out on your own? Are you investing in yourself through workshops, audio programs, e-zines, attending meetings of your professional association or are you working on dealing with communication challenges all by yourself?

My challenge to readers is to assess your current creative environment. Explore educational opportunities in your field. Look for those who you admire professionally and cultivate a relationship with them. Surround yourself with resources so that if you are thinking about a communication challenge, you can tap into the knowledge and expertise of others.

If creating a fertile, creative environment helped Rodin to produce masterpieces (I also love the Burghers of Calais), think of of what powerful things creating a learning environment can do for you. Look for future blog posts where I will share my "must read" book list. If you have any resources that have been powerful for you, I would love to know about them. Send an e-mail to me at Pamela@JettCT.com .

Warm Up for That Difficult Conversation

2008-04-27T11:33:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

I am a regular walker. It is my habit to walk about three to five miles every morning. Sometimes I even pick up the pace and run. This is a daily ritual that I enjoy very much and am very committed to. In fact, it is not unusual to find me walking in near-artic temperatures at the crack of dawn when I am on the road conducting programs for my clients. I see plenty of hotel gyms and I have even been known to walk hotel hallways when all else fails. I enjoy it tremendously and it significantly contributes to my physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

This morning as I was walking on a particularly bright and very breezy day here in Phoenix, I started thinking about an observation my personal trainer has made. She can always tell if I have walked before a training session or not. When I have walked I am focused, more energetic, and my body seems to respond more readily. When I have not (yet) walked, I have a difficult time staying focused and it is as if my body has not yet “woken up”.

This led me to wonder, how are we “waking ourselves up mentally” before difficult conversations? All too often professionals tend to simply dive into tough conversations without sufficient warm up or practice. The result? Often our conversations are unfocused, we lose emotional discipline and say the wrong things, and the end results are often not what we would like. The following are a few keys ways to “warm up” before a difficult conversation.

1. Follow the sage advice of Stephen Covey and begin with the end in mind. Ask yourself prior to having a tough conversation, what is my ultimate goal? Is it to get someone to see things from my point of view? Is it to have them change a behavior? Is it to simply feel understood or listened to? While this may seem simplistic, all too often we embark on a difficult conversation with no idea where we are headed or what our ultimate goal is. By spending time pondering your ultimate goal or what success would look like in your conversation you can begin to chart a conversational course that will take you there.

2. Practice! Practice! Practice! Think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Pay attention to the words you choose to use. Remember, words matter and some words will trigger defensiveness (words like “should”, and “you make me…”) while other words trigger cooperation and understanding. Write down key words and phrases. Practice saying them out loud if you can. If you have a tremendous amount at stake and you have a trusted confidant, practice aloud to someone else. While you don’t read your notes during the difficult conversation or expect the conversation to go exactly as practiced, planning ahead increases the likelihood you will say what you need to say and avoid putting your foot in your mouth.

3. Consider how the other person might respond. While we cannot predict how another person will respond to our communication with 100% accuracy, most professionals are able to take an educated guess regarding how someone might respond and they have a contingency plan in place. This is all part of practice! practice! practice!

4. Choose your time and place wisely. Some conversations are what we call crucial or pivotal conversations. These are conversations where you have a tremendous amount at stake, either personally or professionally. Since you are going to take the initiative to have a difficult conversation, choose a time and place most conducive to cooperation. For example, opting to talk to your spouse about something crucial while he or she is in the middle of a project is probably not wise, opting to talk to a colleague when you know they are under a tight time deadline is also not wise. This leads me to my final suggestion.

5. Communicate early. One of the reasons we often make a poor choice in terms of time and place is that we “just can’t take it anymore”. We have finally “had it!” We need to talk and we need to talk right away! This is how a reactionary communicator functions. They hold on to their irritation, frustration, and concerns until they can no longer stand it. A responsible communicator doesn’t wait until things get so bad that they snap. They are proactive about tough conversations because they know that ignoring a problem does not make it go away.

Preparing for difficult conversations is something everyone can do. The next time you need to bring up a difficult subject with your spouse or partner or you need to engage in a disciplinary conversation with an employee, or you need to confront a colleague about their behavior, examine the five concepts above and consider putting them into practice. If you have had success with these concepts, I would love to hear your story. Send me an e-mail at Pamela@Jettct.com.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.PamelaJett.com

3 Ways to Respond to Criticism

2008-04-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

Being on the receiving end of criticism or dissatisfaction can be a challenging situation for any professional. It is difficult to respond to criticism in a professional and productive fashion. Here are three tools that can make doing so a lot easier.

1. Do not say “I’m sorry” when responding to criticism. If your leader is dissatisfied with something you have done and tells you so, a more professional way to start your response is with something along the lines of “you are right – thank you for pointing this out to me” or “I apologize (a very different message from’ I’m sorry’) - thank you for taking the time to tell me.” Saying “I’m sorry” is a weak form of communication. Using a more powerful form of communication will enhance your credibility and professional image – even under challenging circumstances.

2. Instead of saying “what don’t you like about..?” say “what would you change about…?” By using “what would you change about…?” you increase the likelihood that you will receive feedback that is truly constructive and helpful. One of the challenges many leaders face is that they spend so much time telling people what is wrong that they forget to tell people what right looks like. By using this simple turn of phrase, you help your leader stay focused on the positive and decrease the likelihood that they will dwell (to excess) on the negative.

3. Become comfortable with the phrase “next time I will…” When a savvy professional receives criticism, they will focus on what they learned and how they will apply what they learned next time. This keeps the conversation focused on the future and reinforces that you are a professional who learns from their mistakes.

Sometimes small changes in our word choices can make a profound difference in our success. Professionals who use one or all of the techniques above will find handling criticism in a confident manner substantially easier. If you have a way of handling criticism with tact and finesse, e-mail me, Pamela@JettCT.com, I would love to learn from you.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com .

It's Hard Not to Say I'm Sorry

2008-04-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

Over the last dozen years or so, I’ve taught thousands of people about the perils associated with saying “I’m sorry”. Sorry is a weak word that when used frequently can destroy our credibility and keep us from getting the attention, recognition and respect we may deserve. Additionally, we when we habitually use “sorry” we often find ourselves saying sorry for things we have little or no control or influence over. Moreover, “sorry” is used so frequently that it lacks impact and people can question our sincerity because it is used often and for everything. For more on the perils of saying “sorry” and the advisability of using “I apologize” or empathy, visit the archived brain wrinkles at www.JettCT.com .

I have worked for years to purge “sorry” from my vocabulary and to replace it with more powerful alternatives. And, for the most part, I have been successful. So, I found myself somewhat at a loss the other day when in the space of an hour and a half I said “I’m sorry” more times than I have said it in the last year – maybe in the last several years!

I have recently begun taking private ballroom dance lessons. I have a wonderful dance instructor who is patient, clear in his instruction, and fun. Despite his patience, I found myself saying, almost every time I made a mistake, “I’m sorry”. I’ve been thinking about why, under those circumstances, I reverted to an old habit that I thought I had long ago eradicated.

I’ve come to a few conclusions about conditions under which it is hard to not say “I’m sorry”. It is my hope that by looking at these conditions, I will be better equipped to use the powerful communication skills I do indeed posses. It is my desire that you might also benefit from analyzing these conditions so that when they arise in your personal or professional life you can be vigilant and minimize the use of “sorry”.

1. I am learning something new. Anytime we are learning something new, we are more vulnerable. We are stepping beyond what is comfortable and into the realm of uncertainty. Essentially, I felt insecure. I believe it is insecurity that triggered the plethora of “I’m sorrys”. So, the next time you are learning something new, be vigilant. “Sorry” is more likely to come flying out of our mouths when we are experiencing a steep learning curve.

2. Someone else was depending on me to succeed. My dance partner only looks good if I look good. Whether we are working with a colleague, as part of a team, or on a piece of a project that someone else depends upon, if someone else is depending upon our success to experience their own success, the pressure is on, And when the pressure is on, I am more likely to revert to old , weak forms of communication. Hence, the “I’m sorrys”. Monitor yourself when working with others and work to eradicate the “sorry” usage.

3. Failure would cost me something. I am paying for lessons. To fail would mean that I spent my hard earned money and didn’t get a decent return on my investment. When you have invested something, be it money, time, or your heart and soul; you might be like me and become more easily frustrated. And, when I am frustrated I tend to revert to old, counter-productive forms of communication.

When one or more of these conditions exist, I would encourage you to be extra vigilant. Know that it will be hard not to say “sorry” and be prepared with better, more powerful options.

Is eradicating or minimizing “sorry” something too small for the professional to concern themselves about? I think not. Words matter. The words we choose to use in our communication sends a clear message about our professionalism. The savvy communicator knows that “sorry” is a poor choice and they will be vigilant, especially under high pressure conditions.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com

I'm Great Update - How to Get Noticed at Work

2008-04-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

Are you satisfied with the recognition you are receiving in the workplace for all of your efforts, ideas, and hard work? Do you feel your leader appreciates you when you put forth an extra effort? Would you like to increase the likelihood that your hard work is recognized and has a positive impact on your promotability? Most professionals would like more attention, authority, and opportunity in the workplace. Communication is the tool through which you can achieve more recognition and opportunity.

As professionals, we must be willing to “toot our own horns” since others will rarely do it for us. However, most of us don’t want to come across as someone who is pushy or obnoxious. I suggest sending “I’m great updates” to your immediate supervisor once a quarter. The “I’m great update” is a one page email that summarizes all the important things you have been doing, all the problems you have solved, and all the opportunities you have maximized. It is essentially a status report you leverage for your success. Here are some quick tips:

1. Keep it brief – one printed page max.

2. Use “bullet points” to make it easy and quick to read.

3. If you have made or saved your organization money, put it in the up-date.

4. Share the status of anything big you are currently working on.

5. Include any new skills you have acquired such as knowledge of a new computer program or any training sessions or workshops you have attended – especially if you did so on your own initiative.

6. Title it “Quarterly Progress Report” or something equally professional (unless your boss has a quirky sense of humor like me and would appreciate the clever “I’m Great Update” title).

Sending an "I'm great up-date" not only increases the likelihood that your efforts will be noticed and appreciated; it makes it easier for your boss at review time. They now have something they can easily access to remind them of the things you do well. This isn't pushy or obnoxious. It is simply working smarter, not harder. Regardless of your content, you will actually stand out from your colleagues because you take the time to keep your leadership in the loop. You make their job easier. It is a win/win!

Do you have a tip for tooting your own horn? If so, I would like to know about it. Send an e-mail to me, Pamela@JettCT.com . Keep watching this blog for more ways to communicate for success. Or, visit www.JettCT.com and visit the articles section for archived ideas and techniques.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com .

That's Interesting - Tell Me More

2008-03-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

By Pamela Jett

Did you know that nearly one-quarter of U.S. employees (according to a recent Gallup Management Journal survey) would fire their bosses if given an opportunity to do so? Yikes! The reason these employees would opt to fire their boss is because they feel “disengaged” and “disconnected” at work.

Communication is the tool by which leaders, managers, and supervisors can create a work environment in which individuals feel valued, connected and actively engaged. In fact, communication is really the only tool to build relationships leaders possess. As such, leaders would be well served to use communication to strengthen as opposed to sabotage professional relationships.

There is a technique that all leaders can use to build relationship and connect. Peer to peer communication can benefit from this technique as well. This technique will help people feel like their opinion, ideas, and insights matter; which, in turn, helps people feel like they matter.

Great communicators are comfortable using a version of “that’s interesting – tell me more”. There are several ways in which this technique can be useful. And please remember, tone of voice and facial expression matter when using this technique.

1. If you are a leader and you notice an employee engaged in a behavior that seems, at first blush, to be inappropriate or wrong, you can either ask something defense producing (and thus counter-productive) such as “what are you doing?” or “why are you doing that?” or you can opt to be more savvy and try “that’s interesting, tell me more.” This frees the employee up to provide more information, without them becoming defensive. As a leader, you just might discover that what they are doing, although different than what you would do, is actually smart or innovative. Or, you might discover that they are engaged in something wrong. However, you can then provide correction and they are likely to be more open to the correction because you allowed them to explain themselves first.

2. If you ever need to buy yourself some time because you have been blindsided or caught off guard, “that’s interesting, tell me more” is a great way to gather more information and simultaneously buy yourself some time to gather your thoughts. And, you appear professional and composed in the process.

3. This technique also works when you suspect someone is being less than completely candid. By saying “that’s interesting, tell me more” you are sending someone a subtle signal that you are on to them and they will think twice about stretching the truth or being less than honest with you in the future.

These are just some of the scenarios in which “that’s interesting, tell me more” can be beneficial. For more communication tools, listen to Pamela’s Communicate with Confidence Audio CD program available at www.JettCT.com

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com .

Advice on Giving Advice

2008-03-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

by Pamela Jett

I was having a conversation with a client the other day and we were talking about a few logistical details of their meeting. Obviously, how my clients opt to run their meetings is completely up to them. I am there as a hired professional. As such, I am there to provide a service and to do everything possible to ensure that my portion of the event is a success. While this particular client is a very competent professional, her experience with meetings is not as substantial as mine. And, I recognized immediately that one of her logistical decisions, while well intended, would likely negatively impact the success of her event. Now, I am in a difficult position. I would like to give her advice or feedback. However, she has not asked for my opinion and just might be offended if I freely offer it. On the other hand, I have a responsibility to my clients to do everything I can to help their events be amazing.

Have you ever been in a situation similar to this? I am confident many professionals often find themselves wanting to give advice or feedback to colleagues or other professionals. It is easy to do when you are the leader; however, when it is peer to peer (or friend to friend, spouse to spouse) it can be a bit more delicate.

There is a wonderful question I would encourage professionals to master that can help open the door to feedback. I have found it tremendously useful personally and professionally. I learned it when an esteemed colleague used it on me! The question is, “are you open to some feedback?”

When we ask “are you open to some feedback” before offering our opinion or advice, we are engaged in what I would consider an interpersonal form of permission marketing. The vast majority of individuals will typically give you permission. And, they will likely be more open to your advice or information because you showed respect for them by asking permission first. Try it and send me an e-mail, Pamela@JettCT.com, to let me know how it works for you.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com .

Decision Making 101

2008-03-11T21:39:00.000-07:00

by Pamela Jett

In the light of recent news headlines featuring the poor choices made by one very public figure, I have been thinking about decision making and how, on occasion, most of us would love to be able to turn back the hands of time and make a different decision or choice. And, it would be nice to have a tool to help us make better decisions in the moment.

I believe that in the midst of making even the most complicated decision or choice we can benefit by using the following question. “Is making this decision (doing x), moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become?” To me, this is a powerful question because it helps cut through all the clutter and get to the heart of the matter.

Of course, if we opt to use this technique, we must first know who we want to become. We must, as Stephen Covey would advise, begin with the end in mind. This concept of beginning with the end in mind is crucial to all types of success. I recently listened to Suze Orman give financial advice to women and her first admonition was that women need to see the possibilities of financial freedom, to know what it would be like and how they would live if they were financially secure. Essentially, she asked them to begin with the end in mind. I have also noticed that all of the current buzz surrounding the law of attraction rests on the notion that you have to put out to the universe what you want. Again, begin with the end in mind. And so it is with decision making. If we want to make better decisions we must first know who we want to be; or the type of leader we want to be; or the type of spouse, or the type of parent, etc… Then, the question of “is making this decision moving me closer to or further way from the person I want to become?” amazingly powerful.

For example, I want my size 8s back, so just this morning I was feeling a bit lazy and unmotivated and I couldn’t decide if I had it in me to go to the gym. So, I asked myself is going to the gym moving me closer to or further way from my size 8s? I went to the gym. A leader can ask themselves is doing this project myself or delegating it to an employee moving me closer to the empowering leader I want to be or further way? The support staff person who wants more recognition and opportunity could ask themselves is volunteering for this project moving me closer to or further way from my professional goals? The question simply cuts through the clutter. And, it is a powerful question that can help with small, everyday decisions (like the gym) to big life altering decisions.

Imagine what a difference this question might have made at a crucial decision making moment in one public figure’s life? What difference might it make in yours? How do you plan to use this question? I am eager to know your personal applications and success. Send me an e-mail at Pamela@Jettct.com and share your experiences.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website http://www.jettct.com/ .

Lagging VS. Leading Indicators

2008-03-06T11:49:00.000-08:00

by Pamela Jett

We have all been taught that we can’t change the past; we can only impact the future. And, most professionals understand that communication that focuses on the future as opposed to being trapped in the past (“we’ve always done it this way”); sends a powerful, positive message.

One way to up our ability to focus on the future and to present a “forward thinking mindset” is to understand and utilize the difference between lagging and leading indicators. Lagging indicators are those things which capture and summarize the past. For example, quarterly sales reports and customer satisfaction reports are lagging indicators. They summarize what has already occurred. Leading indicators are considered the “drivers” of lagging indicators. For example average customer wait time in a customer service phone queue can be a leading indicator of customer satisfaction. New products or services ready to be launched can be leading indicators of sales.

A savvy communicator will focus his or her communication on “leading indicators”. For example, if you are pitching a proposal to management, spend time talking about leading indicator data. Find out what the “drivers” are for your manager’s top lagging indicator, and focus your efforts and energies on creating ways to impact those specific leading indicators.

Having an understanding of these two terms can significantly improve our business savvy and our communication credibility. Sophisticated business people spend less time talking about what was and more time focusing on what can be. If you have any insights into how to leverage leading indicators in your communication, send an e-mail to Pamela@Jettct.com .

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388, at her website http://www.jettct.com/, or by e-mail Pamela@Jettct.com .

Are You Smarter Than a Starbucks' Barista?

2008-03-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

By Pamela Jett

On Tuesday February 26th, 2008 every one of the 7,100 Starbucks stores nationwide closed for a few hours of barista re-training. When I heard this I was struck by several things, including the notion that is was a very expensive business decision. I was also pleased that a company would be willing to invest in re-training in order to stay competitive in a market where they were once the dominant, some might say exclusive, player.

What resonated with me the most was the correlation between Starbucks' decision and the decisions we make as individual professionals regarding our commitment to lifelong learning, continuous improvement, and self-development. Many would say that Starbucks waited until things were critical to make the investment in re-training. Are you waiting until things are critical in your career to invest in your own self-improvement or are you committed to lifelong learning that is part of how you manage your career on a regular basis?

Granted, a commitment to self-improvement requires an investment; an investment of time, mental energy, and often our own monetary resources. Despite the cost, I firmly believe in what Benjamin Franklin so aptly said – empty your pockets to feed your mind and your mind will feed your pockets.

Successful professionals stay committed to on-going self-improvement. They rarely wait for their organizations to facilitate this growth process. Rather, they are proactively looking for ways to improve their skills in critical areas. Superstars seek growth opportunities through workshops, books, podcasts, and other avenues. They recognize that is so much easier to learn from the knowledge and expertise of others rather than in the school of hard knocks (anyone currently enrolled?) And, here is an added bonus. Research reveals that continuing to learn, even after our formal education ends, is one of the secrets to career success, happiness, and physical well-being. To me that seems like a terrific payoff for engaging in mental exercise.

What do you think? What avenues are you exploring to stay valuable to your organization? In what ways are you investing in your personal development? To share your ideas and success stories, e-mail me at Pamela@JettCT.com.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at http://www.jettct.com/.

Leverage Your Uniqueness

2008-02-27T08:09:00.000-08:00

By Pamela Jett

I recently ran across a wonderful quote by Theodore Roosevelt. “Do what you can with what you have, where you are.” I thoroughly enjoy the notion that we all can bloom where we are planted and that regardless of where we are or the resources we have at our disposal, we can do our best to succeed.

As you likely know, in my communication and career advancement programs I often talk about leveraging your activities to get noticed or to achieve your career goals. I decided to take huge liberty and modify the above quote. I would like to think that success comes when you “do what only you can with what only you have, where only you are”.

As professionals, we ought to be aware of our unique talents, gifts, and strengths and use them to our advantage. You are the only one on your team (or even within your organization) who possesses your particular blend of talents, skills, and experiences. You are unique, one-of-a-kind; there is no one just like you. Use your uniqueness to succeed where you are at the moment. This requires a willingness to volunteer to assist on high profile projects where your skills might be a good fit, speaking up in meetings to let others know you possess those skills, and taking advantage of every opportunity that comes across your desk.

Your uniqueness, if you are willing to speak up and let others know about it, can be your ticket to career success.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached at Pamela@JettCT.com, toll free at 866.726.5388, or at her website www.PamelaJett.com.

3 Things Never To Say To a Difficult Person

2008-02-25T18:19:00.000-08:00

By Pamela Jett

Difficult people are everywhere. You likely work with some of them, are related to some of them, and drive on the roadways with many of them. While we cannot make a difficult person not be difficult, we can use powerful communication skills to make dealing with them less troublesome. Here are 3 things never to say to a difficult person.

1. Do everything you can to avoid saying “calm down” to a difficult person. If you have ever tried saying “calm down” to a hot-head you have learned this phrase provokes the exact opposite of the desired effect. It only makes people become more intense or defensive. The same advice goes for the closely related words and phrases such as “we need to settle down”, “relax”, and “breathe”.

2. Avoid using the much over-rated phrase “I understand”. While under normal circumstances saying “I understand” is a powerful communication tool, when you are dealing with someone who is emotionally intense, “I understand” only will trigger in them defensiveness and a sense that you are not listening to them. I recognize this flies in the face of what you may have been taught in a workshop or seminar on dealing with angry or hostile customers or people. Let’s put this theory of what “ought” to work with a difficult person to the test of common sense. I encourage you to think about a time when saying “I understand” actually helped calm a difficult person down. It has never, in my field of experience, worked. In fact, it typically makes things worse.

3. “You shouldn’t feel that way” or any similar statement can also cause an increase in hostility, even if you are genuinely trying to help the difficult person understand that they are over-reacting or taking something the wrong way. Again, this will only trigger defensiveness, hostility, and more animosity.

So, what can you say to a difficult person? While that subject is a broad one, here is one of my favorite tools. I suggest you try agreeing with them! Yes, agreeing with them. Most difficult people are upset about something that is reasonable to be upset about. What is not reasonable is how they express their upset.

Try saying “I agree, this is a serious issue” or “You’re right, a mistake has been made and it needs to be corrected.” While nothing will make a difficult person not be difficult or a hot-head calm down, agreeing with them catches them off guard and they typically begin to make better communication choices because they feel they are communicating with someone who is their ally, not their enemy.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.PamelaJett.com.