3 Things Never To Say To a Difficult Person

By Pamela Jett

Difficult people are everywhere. You likely work with some of them, are related to some of them, and drive on the roadways with many of them. While we cannot make a difficult person not be difficult, we can use powerful communication skills to make dealing with them less troublesome. Here are 3 things never to say to a difficult person.

1. Do everything you can to avoid saying “calm down” to a difficult person. If you have ever tried saying “calm down” to a hot-head you have learned this phrase provokes the exact opposite of the desired effect. It only makes people become more intense or defensive. The same advice goes for the closely related words and phrases such as “we need to settle down”, “relax”, and “breathe”.

2. Avoid using the much over-rated phrase “I understand”. While under normal circumstances saying “I understand” is a powerful communication tool, when you are dealing with someone who is emotionally intense, “I understand” only will trigger in them defensiveness and a sense that you are not listening to them. I recognize this flies in the face of what you may have been taught in a workshop or seminar on dealing with angry or hostile customers or people. Let’s put this theory of what “ought” to work with a difficult person to the test of common sense. I encourage you to think about a time when saying “I understand” actually helped calm a difficult person down. It has never, in my field of experience, worked. In fact, it typically makes things worse.

3. “You shouldn’t feel that way” or any similar statement can also cause an increase in hostility, even if you are genuinely trying to help the difficult person understand that they are over-reacting or taking something the wrong way. Again, this will only trigger defensiveness, hostility, and more animosity.

So, what can you say to a difficult person? While that subject is a broad one, here is one of my favorite tools. I suggest you try agreeing with them! Yes, agreeing with them. Most difficult people are upset about something that is reasonable to be upset about. What is not reasonable is how they express their upset.

Try saying “I agree, this is a serious issue” or “You’re right, a mistake has been made and it needs to be corrected.” While nothing will make a difficult person not be difficult or a hot-head calm down, agreeing with them catches them off guard and they typically begin to make better communication choices because they feel they are communicating with someone who is their ally, not their enemy.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.PamelaJett.com.