Sunday, April 27, 2008

Warm Up for That Difficult Conversation

By Pamela Jett

I am a regular walker. It is my habit to walk about three to five miles every morning. Sometimes I even pick up the pace and run. This is a daily ritual that I enjoy very much and am very committed to. In fact, it is not unusual to find me walking in near-artic temperatures at the crack of dawn when I am on the road conducting programs for my clients. I see plenty of hotel gyms and I have even been known to walk hotel hallways when all else fails. I enjoy it tremendously and it significantly contributes to my physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

This morning as I was walking on a particularly bright and very breezy day here in Phoenix, I started thinking about an observation my personal trainer has made. She can always tell if I have walked before a training session or not. When I have walked I am focused, more energetic, and my body seems to respond more readily. When I have not (yet) walked, I have a difficult time staying focused and it is as if my body has not yet “woken up”.

This led me to wonder, how are we “waking ourselves up mentally” before difficult conversations? All too often professionals tend to simply dive into tough conversations without sufficient warm up or practice. The result? Often our conversations are unfocused, we lose emotional discipline and say the wrong things, and the end results are often not what we would like. The following are a few keys ways to “warm up” before a difficult conversation.

1. Follow the sage advice of Stephen Covey and begin with the end in mind. Ask yourself prior to having a tough conversation, what is my ultimate goal? Is it to get someone to see things from my point of view? Is it to have them change a behavior? Is it to simply feel understood or listened to? While this may seem simplistic, all too often we embark on a difficult conversation with no idea where we are headed or what our ultimate goal is. By spending time pondering your ultimate goal or what success would look like in your conversation you can begin to chart a conversational course that will take you there.

2. Practice! Practice! Practice! Think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Pay attention to the words you choose to use. Remember, words matter and some words will trigger defensiveness (words like “should”, and “you make me…”) while other words trigger cooperation and understanding. Write down key words and phrases. Practice saying them out loud if you can. If you have a tremendous amount at stake and you have a trusted confidant, practice aloud to someone else. While you don’t read your notes during the difficult conversation or expect the conversation to go exactly as practiced, planning ahead increases the likelihood you will say what you need to say and avoid putting your foot in your mouth.

3. Consider how the other person might respond. While we cannot predict how another person will respond to our communication with 100% accuracy, most professionals are able to take an educated guess regarding how someone might respond and they have a contingency plan in place. This is all part of practice! practice! practice!

4. Choose your time and place wisely. Some conversations are what we call crucial or pivotal conversations. These are conversations where you have a tremendous amount at stake, either personally or professionally. Since you are going to take the initiative to have a difficult conversation, choose a time and place most conducive to cooperation. For example, opting to talk to your spouse about something crucial while he or she is in the middle of a project is probably not wise, opting to talk to a colleague when you know they are under a tight time deadline is also not wise. This leads me to my final suggestion.

5. Communicate early. One of the reasons we often make a poor choice in terms of time and place is that we “just can’t take it anymore”. We have finally “had it!” We need to talk and we need to talk right away! This is how a reactionary communicator functions. They hold on to their irritation, frustration, and concerns until they can no longer stand it. A responsible communicator doesn’t wait until things get so bad that they snap. They are proactive about tough conversations because they know that ignoring a problem does not make it go away.

Preparing for difficult conversations is something everyone can do. The next time you need to bring up a difficult subject with your spouse or partner or you need to engage in a disciplinary conversation with an employee, or you need to confront a colleague about their behavior, examine the five concepts above and consider putting them into practice. If you have had success with these concepts, I would love to hear your story. Send me an e-mail at Pamela@Jettct.com.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.PamelaJett.com

Saturday, April 19, 2008

3 Ways to Respond to Criticism

By Pamela Jett

Being on the receiving end of criticism or dissatisfaction can be a challenging situation for any professional. It is difficult to respond to criticism in a professional and productive fashion. Here are three tools that can make doing so a lot easier.

1. Do not say “I’m sorry” when responding to criticism. If your leader is dissatisfied with something you have done and tells you so, a more professional way to start your response is with something along the lines of “you are right – thank you for pointing this out to me” or “I apologize (a very different message from’ I’m sorry’) - thank you for taking the time to tell me.” Saying “I’m sorry” is a weak form of communication. Using a more powerful form of communication will enhance your credibility and professional image – even under challenging circumstances.

2. Instead of saying “what don’t you like about..?” say “what would you change about…?” By using “what would you change about…?” you increase the likelihood that you will receive feedback that is truly constructive and helpful. One of the challenges many leaders face is that they spend so much time telling people what is wrong that they forget to tell people what right looks like. By using this simple turn of phrase, you help your leader stay focused on the positive and decrease the likelihood that they will dwell (to excess) on the negative.

3. Become comfortable with the phrase “next time I will…” When a savvy professional receives criticism, they will focus on what they learned and how they will apply what they learned next time. This keeps the conversation focused on the future and reinforces that you are a professional who learns from their mistakes.

Sometimes small changes in our word choices can make a profound difference in our success. Professionals who use one or all of the techniques above will find handling criticism in a confident manner substantially easier. If you have a way of handling criticism with tact and finesse, e-mail me, Pamela@JettCT.com, I would love to learn from you.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com .

Sunday, April 13, 2008

It's Hard Not to Say I'm Sorry

By Pamela Jett

Over the last dozen years or so, I’ve taught thousands of people about the perils associated with saying “I’m sorry”. Sorry is a weak word that when used frequently can destroy our credibility and keep us from getting the attention, recognition and respect we may deserve. Additionally, we when we habitually use “sorry” we often find ourselves saying sorry for things we have little or no control or influence over. Moreover, “sorry” is used so frequently that it lacks impact and people can question our sincerity because it is used often and for everything. For more on the perils of saying “sorry” and the advisability of using “I apologize” or empathy, visit the archived brain wrinkles at www.JettCT.com .

I have worked for years to purge “sorry” from my vocabulary and to replace it with more powerful alternatives. And, for the most part, I have been successful. So, I found myself somewhat at a loss the other day when in the space of an hour and a half I said “I’m sorry” more times than I have said it in the last year – maybe in the last several years!

I have recently begun taking private ballroom dance lessons. I have a wonderful dance instructor who is patient, clear in his instruction, and fun. Despite his patience, I found myself saying, almost every time I made a mistake, “I’m sorry”. I’ve been thinking about why, under those circumstances, I reverted to an old habit that I thought I had long ago eradicated.

I’ve come to a few conclusions about conditions under which it is hard to not say “I’m sorry”. It is my hope that by looking at these conditions, I will be better equipped to use the powerful communication skills I do indeed posses. It is my desire that you might also benefit from analyzing these conditions so that when they arise in your personal or professional life you can be vigilant and minimize the use of “sorry”.

1. I am learning something new. Anytime we are learning something new, we are more vulnerable. We are stepping beyond what is comfortable and into the realm of uncertainty. Essentially, I felt insecure. I believe it is insecurity that triggered the plethora of “I’m sorrys”. So, the next time you are learning something new, be vigilant. “Sorry” is more likely to come flying out of our mouths when we are experiencing a steep learning curve.

2. Someone else was depending on me to succeed. My dance partner only looks good if I look good. Whether we are working with a colleague, as part of a team, or on a piece of a project that someone else depends upon, if someone else is depending upon our success to experience their own success, the pressure is on, And when the pressure is on, I am more likely to revert to old , weak forms of communication. Hence, the “I’m sorrys”. Monitor yourself when working with others and work to eradicate the “sorry” usage.

3. Failure would cost me something. I am paying for lessons. To fail would mean that I spent my hard earned money and didn’t get a decent return on my investment. When you have invested something, be it money, time, or your heart and soul; you might be like me and become more easily frustrated. And, when I am frustrated I tend to revert to old, counter-productive forms of communication.

When one or more of these conditions exist, I would encourage you to be extra vigilant. Know that it will be hard not to say “sorry” and be prepared with better, more powerful options.

Is eradicating or minimizing “sorry” something too small for the professional to concern themselves about? I think not. Words matter. The words we choose to use in our communication sends a clear message about our professionalism. The savvy communicator knows that “sorry” is a poor choice and they will be vigilant, especially under high pressure conditions.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I'm Great Update - How to Get Noticed at Work

By Pamela Jett

Are you satisfied with the recognition you are receiving in the workplace for all of your efforts, ideas, and hard work? Do you feel your leader appreciates you when you put forth an extra effort? Would you like to increase the likelihood that your hard work is recognized and has a positive impact on your promotability? Most professionals would like more attention, authority, and opportunity in the workplace. Communication is the tool through which you can achieve more recognition and opportunity.


As professionals, we must be willing to “toot our own horns” since others will rarely do it for us. However, most of us don’t want to come across as someone who is pushy or obnoxious. I suggest sending “I’m great updates” to your immediate supervisor once a quarter. The “I’m great update” is a one page email that summarizes all the important things you have been doing, all the problems you have solved, and all the opportunities you have maximized. It is essentially a status report you leverage for your success. Here are some quick tips:

1. Keep it brief – one printed page max.

2. Use “bullet points” to make it easy and quick to read.

3. If you have made or saved your organization money, put it in the up-date.

4. Share the status of anything big you are currently working on.

5. Include any new skills you have acquired such as knowledge of a new computer program or any training sessions or workshops you have attended – especially if you did so on your own initiative.

6. Title it “Quarterly Progress Report” or something equally professional (unless your boss has a quirky sense of humor like me and would appreciate the clever “I’m Great Update” title).

Sending an "I'm great up-date" not only increases the likelihood that your efforts will be noticed and appreciated; it makes it easier for your boss at review time. They now have something they can easily access to remind them of the things you do well. This isn't pushy or obnoxious. It is simply working smarter, not harder. Regardless of your content, you will actually stand out from your colleagues because you take the time to keep your leadership in the loop. You make their job easier. It is a win/win!

Do you have a tip for tooting your own horn? If so, I would like to know about it. Send an e-mail to me, Pamela@JettCT.com . Keep watching this blog for more ways to communicate for success. Or, visit www.JettCT.com and visit the articles section for archived ideas and techniques.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com .