It's Hard Not to Say I'm Sorry

By Pamela Jett

Over the last dozen years or so, I’ve taught thousands of people about the perils associated with saying “I’m sorry”. Sorry is a weak word that when used frequently can destroy our credibility and keep us from getting the attention, recognition and respect we may deserve. Additionally, we when we habitually use “sorry” we often find ourselves saying sorry for things we have little or no control or influence over. Moreover, “sorry” is used so frequently that it lacks impact and people can question our sincerity because it is used often and for everything. For more on the perils of saying “sorry” and the advisability of using “I apologize” or empathy, visit the archived brain wrinkles at www.JettCT.com .

I have worked for years to purge “sorry” from my vocabulary and to replace it with more powerful alternatives. And, for the most part, I have been successful. So, I found myself somewhat at a loss the other day when in the space of an hour and a half I said “I’m sorry” more times than I have said it in the last year – maybe in the last several years!

I have recently begun taking private ballroom dance lessons. I have a wonderful dance instructor who is patient, clear in his instruction, and fun. Despite his patience, I found myself saying, almost every time I made a mistake, “I’m sorry”. I’ve been thinking about why, under those circumstances, I reverted to an old habit that I thought I had long ago eradicated.

I’ve come to a few conclusions about conditions under which it is hard to not say “I’m sorry”. It is my hope that by looking at these conditions, I will be better equipped to use the powerful communication skills I do indeed posses. It is my desire that you might also benefit from analyzing these conditions so that when they arise in your personal or professional life you can be vigilant and minimize the use of “sorry”.

1. I am learning something new. Anytime we are learning something new, we are more vulnerable. We are stepping beyond what is comfortable and into the realm of uncertainty. Essentially, I felt insecure. I believe it is insecurity that triggered the plethora of “I’m sorrys”. So, the next time you are learning something new, be vigilant. “Sorry” is more likely to come flying out of our mouths when we are experiencing a steep learning curve.

2. Someone else was depending on me to succeed. My dance partner only looks good if I look good. Whether we are working with a colleague, as part of a team, or on a piece of a project that someone else depends upon, if someone else is depending upon our success to experience their own success, the pressure is on, And when the pressure is on, I am more likely to revert to old , weak forms of communication. Hence, the “I’m sorrys”. Monitor yourself when working with others and work to eradicate the “sorry” usage.

3. Failure would cost me something. I am paying for lessons. To fail would mean that I spent my hard earned money and didn’t get a decent return on my investment. When you have invested something, be it money, time, or your heart and soul; you might be like me and become more easily frustrated. And, when I am frustrated I tend to revert to old, counter-productive forms of communication.

When one or more of these conditions exist, I would encourage you to be extra vigilant. Know that it will be hard not to say “sorry” and be prepared with better, more powerful options.

Is eradicating or minimizing “sorry” something too small for the professional to concern themselves about? I think not. Words matter. The words we choose to use in our communication sends a clear message about our professionalism. The savvy communicator knows that “sorry” is a poor choice and they will be vigilant, especially under high pressure conditions.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com