Warm Up for That Difficult Conversation

By Pamela Jett

I am a regular walker. It is my habit to walk about three to five miles every morning. Sometimes I even pick up the pace and run. This is a daily ritual that I enjoy very much and am very committed to. In fact, it is not unusual to find me walking in near-artic temperatures at the crack of dawn when I am on the road conducting programs for my clients. I see plenty of hotel gyms and I have even been known to walk hotel hallways when all else fails. I enjoy it tremendously and it significantly contributes to my physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

This morning as I was walking on a particularly bright and very breezy day here in Phoenix, I started thinking about an observation my personal trainer has made. She can always tell if I have walked before a training session or not. When I have walked I am focused, more energetic, and my body seems to respond more readily. When I have not (yet) walked, I have a difficult time staying focused and it is as if my body has not yet “woken up”.

This led me to wonder, how are we “waking ourselves up mentally” before difficult conversations? All too often professionals tend to simply dive into tough conversations without sufficient warm up or practice. The result? Often our conversations are unfocused, we lose emotional discipline and say the wrong things, and the end results are often not what we would like. The following are a few keys ways to “warm up” before a difficult conversation.

1. Follow the sage advice of Stephen Covey and begin with the end in mind. Ask yourself prior to having a tough conversation, what is my ultimate goal? Is it to get someone to see things from my point of view? Is it to have them change a behavior? Is it to simply feel understood or listened to? While this may seem simplistic, all too often we embark on a difficult conversation with no idea where we are headed or what our ultimate goal is. By spending time pondering your ultimate goal or what success would look like in your conversation you can begin to chart a conversational course that will take you there.

2. Practice! Practice! Practice! Think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Pay attention to the words you choose to use. Remember, words matter and some words will trigger defensiveness (words like “should”, and “you make me…”) while other words trigger cooperation and understanding. Write down key words and phrases. Practice saying them out loud if you can. If you have a tremendous amount at stake and you have a trusted confidant, practice aloud to someone else. While you don’t read your notes during the difficult conversation or expect the conversation to go exactly as practiced, planning ahead increases the likelihood you will say what you need to say and avoid putting your foot in your mouth.

3. Consider how the other person might respond. While we cannot predict how another person will respond to our communication with 100% accuracy, most professionals are able to take an educated guess regarding how someone might respond and they have a contingency plan in place. This is all part of practice! practice! practice!

4. Choose your time and place wisely. Some conversations are what we call crucial or pivotal conversations. These are conversations where you have a tremendous amount at stake, either personally or professionally. Since you are going to take the initiative to have a difficult conversation, choose a time and place most conducive to cooperation. For example, opting to talk to your spouse about something crucial while he or she is in the middle of a project is probably not wise, opting to talk to a colleague when you know they are under a tight time deadline is also not wise. This leads me to my final suggestion.

5. Communicate early. One of the reasons we often make a poor choice in terms of time and place is that we “just can’t take it anymore”. We have finally “had it!” We need to talk and we need to talk right away! This is how a reactionary communicator functions. They hold on to their irritation, frustration, and concerns until they can no longer stand it. A responsible communicator doesn’t wait until things get so bad that they snap. They are proactive about tough conversations because they know that ignoring a problem does not make it go away.

Preparing for difficult conversations is something everyone can do. The next time you need to bring up a difficult subject with your spouse or partner or you need to engage in a disciplinary conversation with an employee, or you need to confront a colleague about their behavior, examine the five concepts above and consider putting them into practice. If you have had success with these concepts, I would love to hear your story. Send me an e-mail at Pamela@Jettct.com.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.PamelaJett.com