by Pamela Jett
I recently made an investment in a new bicycle and I love it! So much so that I couldn’t resist posting a picture of it and sharing the joy. For the past week I have been riding around in my neighborhood and exploring the pathways that line the canals. As a result of being on a bike as opposed to being in a car, I am seeing things I have never seen before (even though I am in familiar territory). The world simply looks different from the perspective of a bike. I’ve noticed trails that I didn’t know existed, parks, and amazing patches of “rural” in the midst of my densely populated suburb.
As I have been riding, I have also been thinking about what a fresh perspective can do to enhance our relationships and our communication. Sometimes when we are communicating with someone, it is wise to try and change our perspective or see things from a fresh point of view. Here are three simple questions you can ask yourself (not out loud – ask yourself internally) during conversations, particularly difficult conversations, to see things in a fresh light and enhance your chance of communication success.
1. What is their ultimate goal in this conversation? In communication, people typically have a goal: to get the job done, to satisfy a customer, to learn something, etc… The interesting thing is - rarely is their goal about us! Sometimes in conversations we tend to take things personally. Perhaps we are interacting with someone who is perhaps a bit brusque or overly direct. It is normal human nature to think they are “being rude to me”. When, in fact, it is probably not about you at all! They might be under a time deadline, they might have a meeting they are running late for, or they might be dealing with a difficult and demanding customer. If we stop and ask ourselves, “what is their ultimate goal in this conversation?” chances are pretty strong that we will recognize that their goal has nothing to do with us (such as trying to ruin our day or rain on our parade); it has everything to do with them and their needs. While this knowledge does not excuse rude behavior on the part of others, it can help us understand the behavior and stop taking it personally.
2. A similar question is what are they afraid of? Most inappropriate communication behavior comes from a place of fear. For example, you might be in a meeting pitching a proposal and one of your colleagues is being strangely resistant, negative, or difficult. Again, human nature would lead us perhaps to take it personally. You might be disappointed, confused, and frustrated that your colleague, who you thought would support you, is being difficult. And, you might start to take it personally. The savvy communicator would stop and ask themselves “what are they afraid of?” This simple question can help us change our perspective, look past the obvious, and find the root of the difficult behavior. For example, they might be afraid of change, or that the learning curve might be too steep, or that their management won’t like it. The possibilities are endless. However, if you know this person and you ask the question, one or two reasonable answers will likely manifest themselves to you. You can then go about addressing that supposed fear if appropriate. And, at minimum, it keeps you from taking it personally.
3. The final question is almost the opposite of the previous two. The next time you are in a conversation that isn’t going as smoothly as you would like or a conversation where your emotions are starting to get the best of you, I challenge you to ask yourself what is my true intention in this conversation? Sometimes the answer is not pretty. When we are brutally honest with ourselves we might, on occasion, recognize that our motives are perhaps not very noble or appropriate. Perhaps we are more interested in being right than in being effective (that is my personal challenge). Or, perhaps we are looking to make the other person feel small so that we can feel bigger by comparison. Sometimes we might be motivated by a desire to simply “pick a fight” because we are actually frustrated by someone or something else. Checking in with our true intentions or motives can often help us make better choices with regards to our communication.
Changing our perspective, looking at something from a different point of view can often help us make better communication choices, stop taking things so personally, and help us build better relationships both at work and at home.
For more communication skills for success, visit Pamela on-line at http://www.jettct.com/. While you are there you can download free communication tools and assessments as well as watch clips of Pamela live.
As I have been riding, I have also been thinking about what a fresh perspective can do to enhance our relationships and our communication. Sometimes when we are communicating with someone, it is wise to try and change our perspective or see things from a fresh point of view. Here are three simple questions you can ask yourself (not out loud – ask yourself internally) during conversations, particularly difficult conversations, to see things in a fresh light and enhance your chance of communication success.
1. What is their ultimate goal in this conversation? In communication, people typically have a goal: to get the job done, to satisfy a customer, to learn something, etc… The interesting thing is - rarely is their goal about us! Sometimes in conversations we tend to take things personally. Perhaps we are interacting with someone who is perhaps a bit brusque or overly direct. It is normal human nature to think they are “being rude to me”. When, in fact, it is probably not about you at all! They might be under a time deadline, they might have a meeting they are running late for, or they might be dealing with a difficult and demanding customer. If we stop and ask ourselves, “what is their ultimate goal in this conversation?” chances are pretty strong that we will recognize that their goal has nothing to do with us (such as trying to ruin our day or rain on our parade); it has everything to do with them and their needs. While this knowledge does not excuse rude behavior on the part of others, it can help us understand the behavior and stop taking it personally.
2. A similar question is what are they afraid of? Most inappropriate communication behavior comes from a place of fear. For example, you might be in a meeting pitching a proposal and one of your colleagues is being strangely resistant, negative, or difficult. Again, human nature would lead us perhaps to take it personally. You might be disappointed, confused, and frustrated that your colleague, who you thought would support you, is being difficult. And, you might start to take it personally. The savvy communicator would stop and ask themselves “what are they afraid of?” This simple question can help us change our perspective, look past the obvious, and find the root of the difficult behavior. For example, they might be afraid of change, or that the learning curve might be too steep, or that their management won’t like it. The possibilities are endless. However, if you know this person and you ask the question, one or two reasonable answers will likely manifest themselves to you. You can then go about addressing that supposed fear if appropriate. And, at minimum, it keeps you from taking it personally.
3. The final question is almost the opposite of the previous two. The next time you are in a conversation that isn’t going as smoothly as you would like or a conversation where your emotions are starting to get the best of you, I challenge you to ask yourself what is my true intention in this conversation? Sometimes the answer is not pretty. When we are brutally honest with ourselves we might, on occasion, recognize that our motives are perhaps not very noble or appropriate. Perhaps we are more interested in being right than in being effective (that is my personal challenge). Or, perhaps we are looking to make the other person feel small so that we can feel bigger by comparison. Sometimes we might be motivated by a desire to simply “pick a fight” because we are actually frustrated by someone or something else. Checking in with our true intentions or motives can often help us make better choices with regards to our communication.
Changing our perspective, looking at something from a different point of view can often help us make better communication choices, stop taking things so personally, and help us build better relationships both at work and at home.
For more communication skills for success, visit Pamela on-line at http://www.jettct.com/. While you are there you can download free communication tools and assessments as well as watch clips of Pamela live.
Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388, at her website http://www.jettct.com/ , or by e-mail Pamela@JettCT.com.
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