Trigger Understanding - Not Defensiveness

by Pamela Jett, CSP

The other day I was having a conversation with a good friend who was expressing some relationship frustration.  During our conversation she mentioned that she often felt he was condescending to her just like someone who regularly says "do you understand?" during a conversation.

This got me thinking.  As good communicators, we are taught to check for understanding so that we can ensure that we have been understood in the way we intended.  Unfortunately, if we regularly ask our conversational partners "do you understand?" it can trigger defensiveness or hostility.  When we frequently use that for perception checking we might inadvertently cause others to think we believe they are stupid or somehow just not getting it.  So, what can we use instead to check perceptions?

I would suggest trying more open-ended questions such as:

• What are your thoughts?
• How does that impact you?
• What, if anything, can I clarify?

Obviously, which question to use is highly dependent upon the conversation you are having.  However, if you replace "do you understand?", which is a closed-ended question, with an open-ended question you not only get better feedback, you are less likely to trigger defensiveness and more likely to have a healthy, happy relationship.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert, speaker, and author who believes that "words matter".  She specializes in teaching professionals what to say and what not say in order to improve relationships.  For other great communication tools visit www.Jettct.com.

The Bully in the Next Cube

by Pamela Jett

Difficult people are everywhere. There are exploders, snipers, steamrollers, and chronic complainers in our personal lives and in our professional lives. While it might be possible in our personal lives to avoid difficult people to a degree, it is virtually impossible to do so at work. To make things even more challenging, we cannot make a difficult person not be difficult. Difficult people are difficult because it is working for them. What we can do is train the difficult person that while their difficult behavior might be working with others, it does not work with us. Training a difficult person how to treat you requires some remarkable communication techniques.

One of the most effective techniques is to do the unexpected. Difficult people are used to others responding to them in a predictable fashion. For example, when an exploder explodes or yells he or she is accustomed to having others yell back. They are also used to having others cry, become defensive, or cave in. What they are not expecting is for you to stay calm and to agree with them. The savvy communicator will look for something to agree with in the exploder’s tirade. The vast majority of exploders are what we would call “reasonable” or “rational” exploders which mean they are exploding about something that it is reasonable or rational to become upset over. The challenge for the exploder is how they choose to express their upset. They might scream or yell that a mistake has been made on their account. The savvy communicator would stay calm and say something such as “you are right - this is a serious error and we need to talk about it”. This can catch them off guard and often causes them to settle down and behave in a more emotionally mature fashion.

Another remarkable technique is to use boundary statements. Boundary statements let the difficult person know that you are not going to engage with them if they continue to communicate in an abusive or bullying fashion. For example, if you are dealing with a hothead you might opt to say “this is important and I want to talk about it, just not this way”. You might need to repeat this statement a few times. However, by doing so you are sending a clear message that you are not going to engage with them until they are more civil.

You can also use boundary statements to deal with a steamroller. The classic example of a steamroller is a two year old in the store who demands a cookie over and over and over again and simply will not take no for an answer. Their goal is to wear the adult out so that they get their way. Some people never outgrow this tendency and they are steamrollers as adults and they push and push and push. The goal with a steamroller is to train them that you don’t change your mind simply because they want to outlast you. A useful boundary statement to master is “I see it differently - tell me more if you like.” Of course, a steamroller will tell you more. However, if you consistently tell them you “see it differently” they will eventually understand that while their steamrolling tactics work with others, they don’t work with you.

One of my favorite remarkable techniques is to make the hidden obvious. This technique is most useful when dealing with a sniper. A sniper is the kind of person who likes to take “pot-shots” or make snide or clever “digs”. Most of the time they take their pot-shots in public because they assume you will not have the courage to defy social convention and call them on their inappropriate comments in public. A crucial step in dealing with them is to be willing to call them on their behavior (a form of doing the unexpected) by making the hidden obvious. Here are a few examples:

Wow, I thought I heard an insult in what you just said. Did you mean it that way?

Oh, comments like that sound like you are criticizing my idea. Is that what you intended?

It sounds like you are trying to embarrass me in front of our peers. You’re not doing that are you?

Making the hidden obvious is a two-step process. The first step is to take their hidden agenda and bring it right out in the open. So, if you think they are trying to embarrass you that is what you bring out. The second step is to ask a yes or no question so that you put them in the position of confirming or denying your perception. The good news is the vast majority of snipers will back-peddle and deny. And although you’ve not had them admit to their inappropriate behavior, that is fine. Because now they know that you are not afraid to call them on their inappropriate behavior and they will think twice about being a sniper with you again. You will have successfully trained them how to treat you.

Probing questions are also remarkably useful - particularly when dealing with a chronic complainer. Chronic complainers are often simply looking for someone to reward them by commiserating with them. Instead of commiserating, try saying “I can tell this really bothers you. What do you think ought to be done about it?” Or, “That is frustrating. What is your plan for dealing with it?” These are often questions they can’t answer. And, if every time they come to you for commiseration you ask them how to solve the problem, they will soon see coming to you as work and they will stop coming to you. Or, and this is even better, they just might come up with a solution and they will have transformed from a chronic complainer to a problem solver.

Difficult people are everywhere, sometimes even in the next cube. It is not possible to make the difficult person not be difficult. What we can do is use remarkable communication techniques to train the difficult person that while their difficult behavior may be rewarded by others, it will not be rewarded by us.

Pamela Jett is a communucation skills expert, speaker, and author. For other great communication tools visit www.Jettct.com.

A Hairy Leadership Issue

By Pamela Jett, CSP

In the course of doing some research for a current consulting/coaching client I ran across a very interesting piece of research. Apparently there is a statistically significant correlation between the side (right or left) of the head men and women choose for a hair part and their perceived leadership abilities. According to this rather wacky research, leaders who part their hair on the right were seen as less capable than leaders who part their hair on the left. Go figure.

My intent is not to send you rushing to the mirror (while I confess I took a quick peak at mine and yes, I am slightly to the right - oops!) Rather, I thought the research was an interesting case study in how minor things can often influence the perception others have of us. It is sometimes tempting to only pay attention to major issues when looking to increase our overall leadership and communication effectiveness. I have long held the belief that the average person pays attention to, and often works to improve, the major things. The professional who is willing to go beyond the major, the obvious, and the most common areas of development and look at minor things that can make a major difference is the professional who will stand out in a crowd of "average".

So, what are you doing today to move your career, your business, your professionalism forward? Are you consciously looking for ways to improve, both major and minor? Do you engage in frequent self-analysis to look at what you ought to start doing, what you ought to stop doing, and what you ought to continue doing to keep yourself valuable to your organization or customer? As you move on a path of self or career-development, I would encourage you to look at the major and the minor things you can improve to make a huge difference in your career success.

Now, if you will excuse me. I'm off to re-style my hair!

If you have any examples of small changes that you have made to your communication that have made a big difference, I would love to hear from you. Drop me a note at Pamela@JettCT.com or post a response to this blog. For more information about developing remarkable communication skills for remarkable results, visit my website at http://www.jettct.com/.

Economic Downturn and Professional Development

By Pamela Jett

At first glance, the phrases "economic downturn" and "professional development" likely don't seem very congruent. However, I see it differently. I believe it is extraordinarily important during an economic downturn for individuals and organizations to be committed to professional development. The challenge is that during an economic downturn, many organizations and individuals may believe that professional development is a luxury they just cannot afford.

Knowledge is power and the more we know the better decisions we typically make, the quicker we are able to solve problems, the more creative we can be in thinking of ways to stimulate the bottom line. I believe there are really only two ways to gain knowledge.

One way to gain knowledge is in the "school of hard knocks". By that I mean learning things through experimentation, through trial and error, by making things up as we go along (anyone currently enrolled?) While there is nothing wrong with learning from our own mistakes and experiences (in fact, some would argue, and I would agree, that there really is no such thing as failure unless we fail to learn) the "school of hard knocks" does come with a hefty tuition bill. We can make expensive mistakes, engage in career damaging decisions, and pay a hefty price in terms of our professional reputation and opportunity cost. All this is in addition to the actual "cost" (money, customer loyalty, etc...) a mistake or an error might incur. In challenging economic times, regardless of your current job status, can you really afford to learn things the hard way? I doubt it. I know that I can't.

Which is why I am a HUGE advocate of the second way to learn things - through the knowledge, experience, and advice of others. I want to proactively tap into the resources that are available to me to help me get results without having to experience a steep learning curve. I genuinely believe this approach will help me work smarter. I will gladly part with some of my hard earned resources and my time to attend a workshop, listen to a podcast, or read a book if the end result is that I am able to put into practice tools that will bring more value to my customers or organization. I can't afford to make a foolish error simply because I was neglecting my professional development and thought that attending a workshop was a luxury I couldn't afford. I look at professional development as something I can't afford to neglect at this time.

So, I've been attending workshops, meetings, conventions, listening to audios, reading books, and tapping into mentors like at no other time in my professional career. Yes, some of this costs money. Yes, it all takes my valuable time (opportunity cost.) And yes, I am confident I will see a return on my investment.

My question to you is, what are you doing today to make yourself more valuable to your employer or customer tomorrow? Are you actively acquiring new knowledge? Are you proactively seeking new information to help you solve problems and grow the bottom line? Are you focusing on fear or are you focusing on opportunity? Are you spending your valuable time and cognitive processes bemoaning the economy or are you accepting that we live in challenging times and focusing your energy and efforts on improving yourself?

If you could take every second, every minute, every hour of the last 30 days that you've spent discussing economic problems, listening to pundits repeat the bad news and point fingers and added them all up, how much time and energy would that be? How much more fruitful would that time be if spent on professional development? In challenging economic times, professional development is one luxury in which we can't afford not to indulge.

Pamela Jett is a professional speaker who teaches remarkable communication skills for remarkable results to professionals around the world. She can be found at http://www.jettct.com/ . If you are interested in booking Pamela to speak at your organization or event, call Aimee at 866.726.5388. You can also follow Pamela on Twitter or join her on Facebook.

Are You Suffering From B.S.O. Syndrome?

By Pamela Jett

Just in case you are wondering, I made it up. Despite that fact, you might still be suffering from B.S.O. Syndrome, otherwise known as "Bright Shiny Object" Syndrome. I know that I suffer from it on a somewhat regular basis. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you too, might find that B.S.O. Syndrome is impacting your success.

Did you set goals, make resolutions, or create a vision board for 2009 only to find yourself two weeks later (and yes, it has only been two weeks) no further along than when you started?

Do you have a few "unpleasant tasks" that you keep putting off in favor of doing something else? By the way, most of the time the "something else" is something we can justify.

Do you often reach the end of the day and wonder where the time went and why you don't feel a great sense of accomplishment?

Are you easily distracted by things that are fun or enjoyable? (the bright shiny object)

Do you engage in any "compulsive" type behavior? (like constantly checking e-mail, or surfing the net with no real purpose)

If you answered "yes" to even one of the above questions, you just might be suffering from a bit of "B.S.O. Syndrome". When we are easily distracted from those things that will lead to our success by things that are appealing or fun, our productivity can suffer. Now, of course, I am all in favor of having fun and enjoying a few bright, shiny objects from time to time. However, that comes with a price and when the price is too great, it is time to focus. Here are a few focus tips to help overcome B.S.O. Syndrome in 2009.

1. Post your goals or vision boards where you see them regularly. This serves as a visual reminder of what matters most to you.

2. Ask yourself is making this decision moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become?

3. Ask yourself what do I want and what am I willing to give up to get it?

4. Declare yourself publicly. Let a few trusted people know what you are trying to accomplish and have them help hold you accountable.

5. Be gentle on yourself. The way we communicate to ourselves is very powerful. If you beat yourself up or are extremely hard on yourself for not accomplishing things as quickly as you would like or with the amazing results you wanted, you only serve to discourage yourself from moving forward. Essentially, you are saying to yourself that whatever success you had wasn't good enough, so why bother trying. Be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack. If you have a day where you lose focus, try to be better the next day. Don't beat yourself up. I am currently working with a business coach on a few issues and every session starts with a re-cap of what I've accomplished since my last session. I've learned that I am pretty hard on myself and one of the wonderful "ah-has" I've experienced is that it is OK to not always be going as hard or as fast as I would like and that any movement forward is a reason to smile. Success builds on success. Be gentle on yourself.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who teaches remarkable communication skills for remarkable results to professionals worldwide. She can be reached at http://www.jettct.com/. Many of her remarkable tools are available on audio cd and can be found at the success store at http://www.jettct.com/. If you would like to bring Pamela to your organization to share her remarkable communication tools, call Aimee at 866.726.5388. And, of course, you can reach Pamela directly at Pamela@JettCT.com.

What's Your 2009 Vision?

By Pamela Jett



If you were to look at the floor of my office over the last few days you would see evidence of my New Year's ritual, creating vision boards. For the last several years I have not made any resolutions or set goals. Instead I have created two vision boards. One is for my personal life and the other is for my professional life.



Vision boards are a visual representation of the life I want to lead in the up-coming year. I just e-mailed a picture of my completed vision boards to a good friend. He promptly e-mailed me back and expressed a bit of surprise because my vision boards are not made with a lot of magazine pictures. Most people use magazine or other pictures to create some sort of collage. I believe that is a valid way of creating a vision board and I know many successful people who have that as their approach. I take a slightly diffferent approach.

I don’t really use a lot of pictures because my “vision” is not really about “things” like cars, houses, etc… (although those things are nice and worthy of visualization). My vision is more about how I want my life to unfold during the year. For example, one of the things that I envision for 2009 is to continue to lead a life full of meaningful relationships. So, I have words and phrases on my vision board to support those relationships. Also represented are things I want to do more of like dancing, finding new venues to hear live music, and travel to some specific locations such as Spain. They are on my board because they are related to one of my priorities which is discovering joy. I also have a few commitments to health and fitness represented because that is part of living a balanced life. Every year I have a theme for the year. This year's theme is the same as last year's theme (I liked it so much that I'm not ready to make a change.) My theme for 2009 is Discover Joy, Practice Balance, Live in Abundance. So, there are large scale action items such as "say yes" on my vision board.

You can see a picture of this year's vision board here. I thought I would share it in hopes of inspiring you to create your own vision board. Make it your own, use your creativity, use pictures if that works for you, and post your board where you can see it every day. Mine is in my office. I've been using vision boards of some sort or another for about 10 years. It is a practice that helps keep me focused on what I want and, the great news is, when I look back on the past several years, much of my "vision" has come to fruition. Happy New Year!

A Great Holiday Stress Buster

By Pamela Jett

What a wonderful time of year this is! I am so very grateful for all of my many blessings; wonderful family, terrific friends, great clients, and tremendous opportunities. This is also a time of year when many of us feel somewhat stressed and over-committed both socially and professionally.

I recently heard a great suggestion (thanks LeAnn Thiemann!) that I would like to pass along to help ease the holiday pressure. Whenever someone asks you to do something, attend an event, participate in the potluck etc... try saying "Thank you for thinking of me. Let me think about it a bit (or check my schedule) and I will get back to you." When we use this approach we decrease the likelihood that we will say yes to something due to the pressure of the moment. And, it also deceases the likelihood that we will over-commit or double-book ourselves. By taking time to ponder the opportunity, you are more likely to stay focused on your priorities during this wonderful and hectic season. Of course, do people the courtesy of actually getting back to them in a timely manner. In some instances that might be within the hour or a day or two later, depending on the request.

Confident capable professionals and effective individuals are able to set limits and boundaries and manage their schedules. Remember, where you spend your time is a true indicator of your priorities. And, when our beliefs and our actions are not consistent with one another, that is a sure fire recipe for stress. When the way we behave (how we spend our time) is truly in alignment with our beliefs and priorities, we reduce guilt, eliminate stress, and can focus on what matters most in our lives.

If you have a boundary statement or a communication tool you use to experience less stress and more joy during the holidays, comment on this blog. Or, send an e-mail to Pamela@Jettct.com

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website http://www.jettct.com/ .