Trigger Understanding - Not Defensiveness

by Pamela Jett, CSP

The other day I was having a conversation with a good friend who was expressing some relationship frustration.  During our conversation she mentioned that she often felt he was condescending to her just like someone who regularly says "do you understand?" during a conversation.

This got me thinking.  As good communicators, we are taught to check for understanding so that we can ensure that we have been understood in the way we intended.  Unfortunately, if we regularly ask our conversational partners "do you understand?" it can trigger defensiveness or hostility.  When we frequently use that for perception checking we might inadvertently cause others to think we believe they are stupid or somehow just not getting it.  So, what can we use instead to check perceptions?

I would suggest trying more open-ended questions such as:

• What are your thoughts?
• How does that impact you?
• What, if anything, can I clarify?

Obviously, which question to use is highly dependent upon the conversation you are having.  However, if you replace "do you understand?", which is a closed-ended question, with an open-ended question you not only get better feedback, you are less likely to trigger defensiveness and more likely to have a healthy, happy relationship.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert, speaker, and author who believes that "words matter".  She specializes in teaching professionals what to say and what not say in order to improve relationships.  For other great communication tools visit www.Jettct.com.

A Hairy Leadership Issue

By Pamela Jett, CSP

In the course of doing some research for a current consulting/coaching client I ran across a very interesting piece of research. Apparently there is a statistically significant correlation between the side (right or left) of the head men and women choose for a hair part and their perceived leadership abilities. According to this rather wacky research, leaders who part their hair on the right were seen as less capable than leaders who part their hair on the left. Go figure.

My intent is not to send you rushing to the mirror (while I confess I took a quick peak at mine and yes, I am slightly to the right - oops!) Rather, I thought the research was an interesting case study in how minor things can often influence the perception others have of us. It is sometimes tempting to only pay attention to major issues when looking to increase our overall leadership and communication effectiveness. I have long held the belief that the average person pays attention to, and often works to improve, the major things. The professional who is willing to go beyond the major, the obvious, and the most common areas of development and look at minor things that can make a major difference is the professional who will stand out in a crowd of "average".

So, what are you doing today to move your career, your business, your professionalism forward? Are you consciously looking for ways to improve, both major and minor? Do you engage in frequent self-analysis to look at what you ought to start doing, what you ought to stop doing, and what you ought to continue doing to keep yourself valuable to your organization or customer? As you move on a path of self or career-development, I would encourage you to look at the major and the minor things you can improve to make a huge difference in your career success.

Now, if you will excuse me. I'm off to re-style my hair!

If you have any examples of small changes that you have made to your communication that have made a big difference, I would love to hear from you. Drop me a note at Pamela@JettCT.com or post a response to this blog. For more information about developing remarkable communication skills for remarkable results, visit my website at http://www.jettct.com/.

Economic Downturn and Professional Development

By Pamela Jett

At first glance, the phrases "economic downturn" and "professional development" likely don't seem very congruent. However, I see it differently. I believe it is extraordinarily important during an economic downturn for individuals and organizations to be committed to professional development. The challenge is that during an economic downturn, many organizations and individuals may believe that professional development is a luxury they just cannot afford.

Knowledge is power and the more we know the better decisions we typically make, the quicker we are able to solve problems, the more creative we can be in thinking of ways to stimulate the bottom line. I believe there are really only two ways to gain knowledge.

One way to gain knowledge is in the "school of hard knocks". By that I mean learning things through experimentation, through trial and error, by making things up as we go along (anyone currently enrolled?) While there is nothing wrong with learning from our own mistakes and experiences (in fact, some would argue, and I would agree, that there really is no such thing as failure unless we fail to learn) the "school of hard knocks" does come with a hefty tuition bill. We can make expensive mistakes, engage in career damaging decisions, and pay a hefty price in terms of our professional reputation and opportunity cost. All this is in addition to the actual "cost" (money, customer loyalty, etc...) a mistake or an error might incur. In challenging economic times, regardless of your current job status, can you really afford to learn things the hard way? I doubt it. I know that I can't.

Which is why I am a HUGE advocate of the second way to learn things - through the knowledge, experience, and advice of others. I want to proactively tap into the resources that are available to me to help me get results without having to experience a steep learning curve. I genuinely believe this approach will help me work smarter. I will gladly part with some of my hard earned resources and my time to attend a workshop, listen to a podcast, or read a book if the end result is that I am able to put into practice tools that will bring more value to my customers or organization. I can't afford to make a foolish error simply because I was neglecting my professional development and thought that attending a workshop was a luxury I couldn't afford. I look at professional development as something I can't afford to neglect at this time.

So, I've been attending workshops, meetings, conventions, listening to audios, reading books, and tapping into mentors like at no other time in my professional career. Yes, some of this costs money. Yes, it all takes my valuable time (opportunity cost.) And yes, I am confident I will see a return on my investment.

My question to you is, what are you doing today to make yourself more valuable to your employer or customer tomorrow? Are you actively acquiring new knowledge? Are you proactively seeking new information to help you solve problems and grow the bottom line? Are you focusing on fear or are you focusing on opportunity? Are you spending your valuable time and cognitive processes bemoaning the economy or are you accepting that we live in challenging times and focusing your energy and efforts on improving yourself?

If you could take every second, every minute, every hour of the last 30 days that you've spent discussing economic problems, listening to pundits repeat the bad news and point fingers and added them all up, how much time and energy would that be? How much more fruitful would that time be if spent on professional development? In challenging economic times, professional development is one luxury in which we can't afford not to indulge.

Pamela Jett is a professional speaker who teaches remarkable communication skills for remarkable results to professionals around the world. She can be found at http://www.jettct.com/ . If you are interested in booking Pamela to speak at your organization or event, call Aimee at 866.726.5388. You can also follow Pamela on Twitter or join her on Facebook.

It's Time to Work Smarter and Harder

By Pamela Jett

We are all familiar with the old saying "work smarter not harder" and for years I have been teaching professionals how to do just that. And then the other day I was having a conversation with a colleague that made me realize that in our current economic environment, that advice is not only trite, it is foolhardy. I believe at this time it is imperative for professionals, whether an employee, leader, or small business owner, to work both smarter and harder.What does that mean? I think it takes a combination of both smarts and tremendous effort and energy to stay so valuable to your organization (and/or your customers) that if and when downsizing or reorganizing impacts your organization; you will not be one of the first to be "voted off the island". There is no such thing as job security and when times become tough, it is up to each of us to become even more proactive about our career development. Sometimes that means we must not only think strategically (that's the "smarter" part), we must spend more effort and energy in implementation and/or take bigger steps out of our comfort zones to develop new skills, contribute in new ways, and take on new responsibilities (that's the "harder" part). Here are three powerful ideas to help you work smarter and harder.

1. Know your leader's pain (and their leader's pain) and be a pain reliever. Every leader has his or her hot buttons or pet issues. They also each are under pressure from their leader to produce results. The savvy professional pays attention to the issues that cause the most stress or strain on their leadership and work very hard to leverage their contributions to ease their leader's pain. We each have limited time in a day and while during tough economic times we might find ourselves working longer hours or taking on more projects, we also want to be cognizant of the value of each project. Are you proactively seeking ways to keep your plate full of high-leverage projects and responsibilities? Or, are you simply taking the assignments that are given to you? The savvy professional doesn't wait for their leaders "pain" to be handed to them. They look for the pain (smarter) and work (harder) at finding ways to relieve that pain.

2. Make or save your organization money and brag about it. During tough economic times, most organizations (and customers) are taking a closer look at every dollar spent. And, they are paying very close attention to revenue streams. Regardless of your position in your organization, you have the opportunity to make or save your organization money. It is time to start focusing on that part of your job even more. That might mean being more proactive when negotiating with vendors, looking for alternative ways to accomplish more with less, or spending a bit more time prospecting to fill the sales funnel. When you make or save your organization money, it is imperative to brag about it. Now is not the time to be a shrinking violet or shy about tooting your own horn. Keep a spreadsheet that logs the money you are making and/or saving. Then, send your leadership regular up-dates. Be willing to speak up in meetings and share when appropriate. If you are waiting for others to notice your efforts, it won't happen. They are far too busy managing their own career success to be focused on yours! Now is the time to speak up!

3. "Empty your pockets to feed your mind and your mind will feed your pockets". This can be challenging advice to take during tough economic times. At a time when every dollar counts, many of us might be tempted to cut back on our personal investment in our skills and abilities. Perhaps you are thinking about returning to school for an advanced degree (smart and hard), but have decided to put it off (even though your organization currently compensates you for the much of the cost). Or, you have been thinking about buying some books with money from your own pocket to help you become more proficient with a computer program and you are hesitant to spend the money. While I am not advocating senseless spending or personal fiscal irresponsibility, I urge you to consider that now is not the time to be "penny wise and dollar foolish". What if attaining an advanced degree is valued in your organization or on your career path? Having that degree might keep you employed or make you more employable in the future. Being more proficient with a computer program will allow you to be more productive and make a greater contribution to your organization. Yes, it can be hard to make the personal sacrifice and invest in yourself. However, in the knowledge economy (as opposed to a time/labor economy) in which most professionals work, your skills and abilities are really all you have to offer your current or future employer. Be wise, invest in yourself. Now more than ever, that is both smart and hard!

We are living in challenging times. Now is the time to work both smarter and harder. If you have suggestions on how to do this, I would love to hear from you. Drop me a note at Pamela@Jettct.com or comment on this blog. If you would like more ideas on how to advance your career, visit the success store at http://www.jettct.com/ to learn about Pamela's powerful 4 audio CD series Mind Your Own Business - A Career Advancement System.

Pamela Jett, CSP is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. You can find information about her including how to bring her to your next meeting or event when you visit http://www.jettct.com/. Or, you can call Aimee at 1.866.726.5388. By Pamela Jett

"Phelpsian Feet" (Or Ought that to be Feat?)

By Pamela Jett

It seems that everyone is talking and blogging about Michael Phelps and his incredible feat (or ought that to be feet?) Like most people, I was so impressed by his discipline, his focus, his commitment, and his passion. It is so very easy to see applications to our lives as we work to achieve our goals and objectives personally and professionally. Much media was spent talking about the piece of paper he carried with him. No one had any idea what was on the piece of paper until after he won his 8th gold medal. He revealed that the paper simply contained his intention for the games – to win 8 gold medals. What a terrific example of the basic principles of goal setting – write your goals down and read them regularly. This increases the likelihood you will achieve them.

I was also intrigued by the media attention paid to Michael’s body type. He is essentially built for swimming; in particular he has long fingers and long feet. At one point, one of his team-mates used the term “Phelpsian feet” to describe how Michael’s feet are one of the reasons he is so great.

This got me thinking about how each one of us has our own “Phelpsian feet”. There is some skill, some talent, some strength, some unique skill or ability that each of us possesses. Are you using your “Phelpsian feet” to your advantage? Do you know what your strengths are? Are you volunteering for projects or assignments that can allow you to use those strengths?

Part of being an amazing communicator is to know how to communicate your value and worth in the workplace. In previous posts and in many of my programs I talk about sending out “I’m great up-dates” to keep your leaders in the loop regarding your contribution to the organization. It is so much easier to do this when you know your own strengths and you leverage those strengths to your advantage.

Michael Phelps is a great swimmer because he not only has the discipline to be great; he used his “Phelpsian feet” to become great at a sport he was uniquely suited for. Could you imagine him trying to be a world-class gymnast? He might have had the same discipline and the same passion to succeed. However, I doubt he would have been world-class. He is simply not built for it. He is built to swim and to swim fast. I challenge you to discover your own “Phelpsian feet” so you can experience tremendous feats of your own.

For more communication skills for success, visit Pamela on-line at http://www.jettct.com/. While you are there you can download free communication tools and assessments as well as watch clips of Pamela live.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388, at her website http://www.jettct.com/ , or Pamela@JettCT.com .

How to Be Heard Through the Noise

By Pamela Jett

I recently returned from a trip to NYC where I attended the annual convention of the National Speakers Association. The convention was wonderful! I had the opportunity hear and learn from world class speakers and tremendous thought leaders. Steve Forbes was on the main platform, I heard Tim Ferriss speak who is the author of the great book The Four Hour Workweek (I also saw him break-dance for that matter), and I also was able to hear Cathie Black who is the President of Hearst Magazines and the author of a terrific book every professional woman ought to read, Basic Black. While listening and learning from these speakers was tremendous, one of my most memorable experiences happened away from the meeting rooms and the main stage.

The convention was held at a hotel right on Time's Square. If you have ever been there, you know it is lit up with neon advertising 24/7. Things are going non-stop all day long. Advertisers compete for consumer attention in garish, flashing, huge displays - everywhere. One afternoon, while having a lovely conversation with a colleague and friend, I had the opportunity to sit in a restaurant high above Times Square and look out over all the visual stimulus. I was struck by several things; two of them involving all the visual "noise". First, I was struck by how lucky I am to do what I love for a living and travel. I was sitting overlooking something that many people only see on television. I am blessed to have wonderful opportunities to see amazing sites and do interesting things. I was also thinking that it is amazing that any advertiser can get anyone's attention - there is just so much competition. It is information and stimulus overload. This is rather like the average professional's day. E-mail, text messages, voice-mail, meetings, e-zines, proposals, contracts - yikes! It is information overload! It is a wonder anything is ever heard through the noise. If you are looking to stand out - to get the attention of another professional - you must do everything in your power to position your message strategically. Here are three tips for increasing the likelihood that you will be "heard through the noise".

1. Lead with your conclusions. If you are looking to grab someone's attention, lead with how much money your proposal will save them, or how many hours will be saved - essentially deliver the bottom line right up front. This will help grab attention and establish your credibility. For example, you could approach your leader and say "I have a solution to the distribution challenge we are facing that will shave 10% off our current costs".

2. Put things in writing. While not always necessary, people do tend to take things more seriously if they are in writing. For example, if you are in a meeting and want to garner support for your position, have a handout or some sort of documentation to share with others. This shows that you are serious and that you have done your homework. It also increases the likelihood that you will get credit for your contributions.

3. Ask "is now a good time to talk?" Respect for other people's time is very important. If you would like someone's attention, ask for it as opposed to assuming they are available. This is especially important if you are trying to get the attention of someone who works in a cube. If they say no, ask when you can schedule a conversation. To some of us, this may seem like simple common courtesy. However, when I conduct workshops and programs all over the United States, I hear complaint after complaint that people just "barge in" and assume it is convenient. Stand out from the crowd and be respectful.

While not guaranteeing that others will give you their undivided attention, using these tips can greatly increase your ability to be heard through the noise. For more tools, tips, and techniques, visit Pamela's website, http://www.jettct.com/, and go to the resource store.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who provides programs to associations, organizations and executives. To see Pamela live, you can go to her website, http://www.jettct.com/. Feel free to comment on this blog and pass it on to others. You can also e-mail Pamela at Pamela@JettCT.com.

Balance for Better Communication

By Pamela Jett

The other day I was working with clients and we were discussing how when we are "out of balance" emotionally (such as being angry), spiritually (such as being burnt out), physically (such as not getting good nutrition, rest and exercise) and mentally (not learning new things regularly to enhance career success), it is very difficult to use the good communication skills that we do indeed possess.

For example, if you are tired and feeling a bit overworked or under appreciated, it might be difficult to say "no" with tact and finesse to a colleague who requests that you help them with their project. (for more on how to say no with tact and finesse, check this blog's archives and visit www.JettCT.com for resources) Under more "balanced" circumstances, you might be able to easily access the good communication skills you posses. However, when we are "out of balance", we are more likely to say things we regret. Below are a few quick tips to help you maintain "balance" for better communication.

1. Remember that out of control emotions can make even smart people stupid. We want to be the master of our emotions and not let our emotions be the master of us. How do we do that? By using smart self talk during emotionally charged situations. By that I mean, when you are experiencing intense (and sometimes counter-productive emotions) you can move yourself out of your "emotional processing center" of the brain and into the "logical processing center" of the brain by engaging in smart self-talk such as trying to think of the names of the seven drawfs or doing sophisticated math in your head. By consciously over-riding your emotional processing center and accessing you logical processing center you are far more likely to choose your responses and words wisely in emotionally charged situations.

2. Remember to take time to "feed your soul". It is very difficult in our current culture of be more, do more, have more to take time to relax and "feed your soul". However, taking time in our regular schedule to do things that bring us joy can help us be more balanced. For example, many people take time for a hobby, or to read for pleasure, or to spend time with family and friends, listen to music, garden, the list of possibilities is endless. A balanced person takes time for themselves and spends time in joyful pursuits.

3. Value yourself enough to take care of yourself. This means the simple things like getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night, eating your breakfast, finding time for exercise. While we all know how to take care of ourselves, we often put ourselves last, taking care of everyone and everything else before we take care of ourselves. The flight attendants have it right when they say "put your own oxygen mask on before assisting those around you". An empty well gives no drink. Take the time to take care of yourself and you will find that it is easier to use the good communication skills you do indeed possess.

4. Get new "brain wrinkles" regularly. Did you know that when you learn something new you get a literal "wrinkle" in your brain? The matter in your head creates connections called neuro-pathways and they are like small wrinkles in our brains. The balanced individual takes time to learn new things regularly for their personal and professional development. They know that "knowledge is power", so they make a commitment to invest in themselves. Benjamin Franklin said "empty your pockets to feed your mind and your mind will feed your pockets." Powerful. I am convinced that people who are dedicated to learning new skills (even when it means investing thier own resources to do so) in all areas of their lives are better communicators because they simply have more options to choose from. I applaud the readers of this blog. The purpose of this blog is to provide those new skills, the new "brain wrinkles" so that my readers can experience more communication success.

If you would like more ways to "wrinkle your brain", visit www.JettCT.com. If you have a suggestion or there is a skill set you would like this blog to address, drop a note to Pamela@jettct.com.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com

Thinking about "The Thinker"

By Pamela Jett

I had the wonderful opportunity recently to take a much needed vacation. I went to two of the world's most amazing cities, London and Paris. During my time I soaked up art, architecture, cultural diversity, and plenty of pain au chocolate (in Paris, of course). One of the highlights of my time was a visit to the Rodin sculpture museum and garden. Housed in the garden is the original (there are numerous authentic copies worldwide) sculpture entitled "The Thinker". I've posted a picture for your reference. This is perhaps Rodin's most famous piece of work. While I have seen it before, I learned something new about "The Thinker" this time.

I, like most people, have always thought that "The Thinker" represented a man pondering the great questions of existence such as "what is the meaning of life?" What I learned was that contrary to my belief, the sculpture was intended to represent a man pondering more personal questions such as "what do I do now?" or "where do I go next?" These, more personal questions, also have universal appeal and are no less difficult to answer for the average individual.

As I was pondering this information and my own "ah ha" moment, I was struck by the environment in which Rodin created his masterpiece. He worked in a villa filled with his students and proteges. They lived and worked together, creating some of the most awe inspiring sculpture the world has ever known. This fertile environment allowed these creative minds to work together, feed off one another, support one another, and learn from one another.

What is the link between these two observations? It struck me that most professionals often ponder "what do I do now? or "what do I say now?" when managing or negotiating relationships via communication, particularly when we are planning difficult conversations or dealing with difficult people. Rodin created a fertile environment in which to learn and grow. What environment have you created for yourself to grow and learn? Do you have people in your life who serve as mentors or roles models that you can tap into when you need inspiration or a creative way to solve a communication dilemma? Do you have a library of resources that can help you craft a powerful communication approach or are you flying by the seat of your pants and trying to figure everything out on your own? Are you investing in yourself through workshops, audio programs, e-zines, attending meetings of your professional association or are you working on dealing with communication challenges all by yourself?

My challenge to readers is to assess your current creative environment. Explore educational opportunities in your field. Look for those who you admire professionally and cultivate a relationship with them. Surround yourself with resources so that if you are thinking about a communication challenge, you can tap into the knowledge and expertise of others.

If creating a fertile, creative environment helped Rodin to produce masterpieces (I also love the Burghers of Calais), think of of what powerful things creating a learning environment can do for you. Look for future blog posts where I will share my "must read" book list. If you have any resources that have been powerful for you, I would love to know about them. Send an e-mail to me at Pamela@JettCT.com .

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website http://www.jettct.com/ .