Trigger Understanding - Not Defensiveness

by Pamela Jett, CSP

The other day I was having a conversation with a good friend who was expressing some relationship frustration.  During our conversation she mentioned that she often felt he was condescending to her just like someone who regularly says "do you understand?" during a conversation.

This got me thinking.  As good communicators, we are taught to check for understanding so that we can ensure that we have been understood in the way we intended.  Unfortunately, if we regularly ask our conversational partners "do you understand?" it can trigger defensiveness or hostility.  When we frequently use that for perception checking we might inadvertently cause others to think we believe they are stupid or somehow just not getting it.  So, what can we use instead to check perceptions?

I would suggest trying more open-ended questions such as:

• What are your thoughts?
• How does that impact you?
• What, if anything, can I clarify?

Obviously, which question to use is highly dependent upon the conversation you are having.  However, if you replace "do you understand?", which is a closed-ended question, with an open-ended question you not only get better feedback, you are less likely to trigger defensiveness and more likely to have a healthy, happy relationship.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert, speaker, and author who believes that "words matter".  She specializes in teaching professionals what to say and what not say in order to improve relationships.  For other great communication tools visit www.Jettct.com.

The Bully in the Next Cube

by Pamela Jett

Difficult people are everywhere. There are exploders, snipers, steamrollers, and chronic complainers in our personal lives and in our professional lives. While it might be possible in our personal lives to avoid difficult people to a degree, it is virtually impossible to do so at work. To make things even more challenging, we cannot make a difficult person not be difficult. Difficult people are difficult because it is working for them. What we can do is train the difficult person that while their difficult behavior might be working with others, it does not work with us. Training a difficult person how to treat you requires some remarkable communication techniques.

One of the most effective techniques is to do the unexpected. Difficult people are used to others responding to them in a predictable fashion. For example, when an exploder explodes or yells he or she is accustomed to having others yell back. They are also used to having others cry, become defensive, or cave in. What they are not expecting is for you to stay calm and to agree with them. The savvy communicator will look for something to agree with in the exploder’s tirade. The vast majority of exploders are what we would call “reasonable” or “rational” exploders which mean they are exploding about something that it is reasonable or rational to become upset over. The challenge for the exploder is how they choose to express their upset. They might scream or yell that a mistake has been made on their account. The savvy communicator would stay calm and say something such as “you are right - this is a serious error and we need to talk about it”. This can catch them off guard and often causes them to settle down and behave in a more emotionally mature fashion.

Another remarkable technique is to use boundary statements. Boundary statements let the difficult person know that you are not going to engage with them if they continue to communicate in an abusive or bullying fashion. For example, if you are dealing with a hothead you might opt to say “this is important and I want to talk about it, just not this way”. You might need to repeat this statement a few times. However, by doing so you are sending a clear message that you are not going to engage with them until they are more civil.

You can also use boundary statements to deal with a steamroller. The classic example of a steamroller is a two year old in the store who demands a cookie over and over and over again and simply will not take no for an answer. Their goal is to wear the adult out so that they get their way. Some people never outgrow this tendency and they are steamrollers as adults and they push and push and push. The goal with a steamroller is to train them that you don’t change your mind simply because they want to outlast you. A useful boundary statement to master is “I see it differently - tell me more if you like.” Of course, a steamroller will tell you more. However, if you consistently tell them you “see it differently” they will eventually understand that while their steamrolling tactics work with others, they don’t work with you.

One of my favorite remarkable techniques is to make the hidden obvious. This technique is most useful when dealing with a sniper. A sniper is the kind of person who likes to take “pot-shots” or make snide or clever “digs”. Most of the time they take their pot-shots in public because they assume you will not have the courage to defy social convention and call them on their inappropriate comments in public. A crucial step in dealing with them is to be willing to call them on their behavior (a form of doing the unexpected) by making the hidden obvious. Here are a few examples:

Wow, I thought I heard an insult in what you just said. Did you mean it that way?

Oh, comments like that sound like you are criticizing my idea. Is that what you intended?

It sounds like you are trying to embarrass me in front of our peers. You’re not doing that are you?

Making the hidden obvious is a two-step process. The first step is to take their hidden agenda and bring it right out in the open. So, if you think they are trying to embarrass you that is what you bring out. The second step is to ask a yes or no question so that you put them in the position of confirming or denying your perception. The good news is the vast majority of snipers will back-peddle and deny. And although you’ve not had them admit to their inappropriate behavior, that is fine. Because now they know that you are not afraid to call them on their inappropriate behavior and they will think twice about being a sniper with you again. You will have successfully trained them how to treat you.

Probing questions are also remarkably useful - particularly when dealing with a chronic complainer. Chronic complainers are often simply looking for someone to reward them by commiserating with them. Instead of commiserating, try saying “I can tell this really bothers you. What do you think ought to be done about it?” Or, “That is frustrating. What is your plan for dealing with it?” These are often questions they can’t answer. And, if every time they come to you for commiseration you ask them how to solve the problem, they will soon see coming to you as work and they will stop coming to you. Or, and this is even better, they just might come up with a solution and they will have transformed from a chronic complainer to a problem solver.

Difficult people are everywhere, sometimes even in the next cube. It is not possible to make the difficult person not be difficult. What we can do is use remarkable communication techniques to train the difficult person that while their difficult behavior may be rewarded by others, it will not be rewarded by us.

Pamela Jett is a communucation skills expert, speaker, and author. For other great communication tools visit www.Jettct.com.

A Hairy Leadership Issue

By Pamela Jett, CSP

In the course of doing some research for a current consulting/coaching client I ran across a very interesting piece of research. Apparently there is a statistically significant correlation between the side (right or left) of the head men and women choose for a hair part and their perceived leadership abilities. According to this rather wacky research, leaders who part their hair on the right were seen as less capable than leaders who part their hair on the left. Go figure.

My intent is not to send you rushing to the mirror (while I confess I took a quick peak at mine and yes, I am slightly to the right - oops!) Rather, I thought the research was an interesting case study in how minor things can often influence the perception others have of us. It is sometimes tempting to only pay attention to major issues when looking to increase our overall leadership and communication effectiveness. I have long held the belief that the average person pays attention to, and often works to improve, the major things. The professional who is willing to go beyond the major, the obvious, and the most common areas of development and look at minor things that can make a major difference is the professional who will stand out in a crowd of "average".

So, what are you doing today to move your career, your business, your professionalism forward? Are you consciously looking for ways to improve, both major and minor? Do you engage in frequent self-analysis to look at what you ought to start doing, what you ought to stop doing, and what you ought to continue doing to keep yourself valuable to your organization or customer? As you move on a path of self or career-development, I would encourage you to look at the major and the minor things you can improve to make a huge difference in your career success.

Now, if you will excuse me. I'm off to re-style my hair!

If you have any examples of small changes that you have made to your communication that have made a big difference, I would love to hear from you. Drop me a note at Pamela@JettCT.com or post a response to this blog. For more information about developing remarkable communication skills for remarkable results, visit my website at http://www.jettct.com/.

Economic Downturn and Professional Development

By Pamela Jett

At first glance, the phrases "economic downturn" and "professional development" likely don't seem very congruent. However, I see it differently. I believe it is extraordinarily important during an economic downturn for individuals and organizations to be committed to professional development. The challenge is that during an economic downturn, many organizations and individuals may believe that professional development is a luxury they just cannot afford.

Knowledge is power and the more we know the better decisions we typically make, the quicker we are able to solve problems, the more creative we can be in thinking of ways to stimulate the bottom line. I believe there are really only two ways to gain knowledge.

One way to gain knowledge is in the "school of hard knocks". By that I mean learning things through experimentation, through trial and error, by making things up as we go along (anyone currently enrolled?) While there is nothing wrong with learning from our own mistakes and experiences (in fact, some would argue, and I would agree, that there really is no such thing as failure unless we fail to learn) the "school of hard knocks" does come with a hefty tuition bill. We can make expensive mistakes, engage in career damaging decisions, and pay a hefty price in terms of our professional reputation and opportunity cost. All this is in addition to the actual "cost" (money, customer loyalty, etc...) a mistake or an error might incur. In challenging economic times, regardless of your current job status, can you really afford to learn things the hard way? I doubt it. I know that I can't.

Which is why I am a HUGE advocate of the second way to learn things - through the knowledge, experience, and advice of others. I want to proactively tap into the resources that are available to me to help me get results without having to experience a steep learning curve. I genuinely believe this approach will help me work smarter. I will gladly part with some of my hard earned resources and my time to attend a workshop, listen to a podcast, or read a book if the end result is that I am able to put into practice tools that will bring more value to my customers or organization. I can't afford to make a foolish error simply because I was neglecting my professional development and thought that attending a workshop was a luxury I couldn't afford. I look at professional development as something I can't afford to neglect at this time.

So, I've been attending workshops, meetings, conventions, listening to audios, reading books, and tapping into mentors like at no other time in my professional career. Yes, some of this costs money. Yes, it all takes my valuable time (opportunity cost.) And yes, I am confident I will see a return on my investment.

My question to you is, what are you doing today to make yourself more valuable to your employer or customer tomorrow? Are you actively acquiring new knowledge? Are you proactively seeking new information to help you solve problems and grow the bottom line? Are you focusing on fear or are you focusing on opportunity? Are you spending your valuable time and cognitive processes bemoaning the economy or are you accepting that we live in challenging times and focusing your energy and efforts on improving yourself?

If you could take every second, every minute, every hour of the last 30 days that you've spent discussing economic problems, listening to pundits repeat the bad news and point fingers and added them all up, how much time and energy would that be? How much more fruitful would that time be if spent on professional development? In challenging economic times, professional development is one luxury in which we can't afford not to indulge.

Pamela Jett is a professional speaker who teaches remarkable communication skills for remarkable results to professionals around the world. She can be found at http://www.jettct.com/ . If you are interested in booking Pamela to speak at your organization or event, call Aimee at 866.726.5388. You can also follow Pamela on Twitter or join her on Facebook.

Are You Suffering From B.S.O. Syndrome?

By Pamela Jett

Just in case you are wondering, I made it up. Despite that fact, you might still be suffering from B.S.O. Syndrome, otherwise known as "Bright Shiny Object" Syndrome. I know that I suffer from it on a somewhat regular basis. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you too, might find that B.S.O. Syndrome is impacting your success.

Did you set goals, make resolutions, or create a vision board for 2009 only to find yourself two weeks later (and yes, it has only been two weeks) no further along than when you started?

Do you have a few "unpleasant tasks" that you keep putting off in favor of doing something else? By the way, most of the time the "something else" is something we can justify.

Do you often reach the end of the day and wonder where the time went and why you don't feel a great sense of accomplishment?

Are you easily distracted by things that are fun or enjoyable? (the bright shiny object)

Do you engage in any "compulsive" type behavior? (like constantly checking e-mail, or surfing the net with no real purpose)

If you answered "yes" to even one of the above questions, you just might be suffering from a bit of "B.S.O. Syndrome". When we are easily distracted from those things that will lead to our success by things that are appealing or fun, our productivity can suffer. Now, of course, I am all in favor of having fun and enjoying a few bright, shiny objects from time to time. However, that comes with a price and when the price is too great, it is time to focus. Here are a few focus tips to help overcome B.S.O. Syndrome in 2009.

1. Post your goals or vision boards where you see them regularly. This serves as a visual reminder of what matters most to you.

2. Ask yourself is making this decision moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become?

3. Ask yourself what do I want and what am I willing to give up to get it?

4. Declare yourself publicly. Let a few trusted people know what you are trying to accomplish and have them help hold you accountable.

5. Be gentle on yourself. The way we communicate to ourselves is very powerful. If you beat yourself up or are extremely hard on yourself for not accomplishing things as quickly as you would like or with the amazing results you wanted, you only serve to discourage yourself from moving forward. Essentially, you are saying to yourself that whatever success you had wasn't good enough, so why bother trying. Be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack. If you have a day where you lose focus, try to be better the next day. Don't beat yourself up. I am currently working with a business coach on a few issues and every session starts with a re-cap of what I've accomplished since my last session. I've learned that I am pretty hard on myself and one of the wonderful "ah-has" I've experienced is that it is OK to not always be going as hard or as fast as I would like and that any movement forward is a reason to smile. Success builds on success. Be gentle on yourself.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who teaches remarkable communication skills for remarkable results to professionals worldwide. She can be reached at http://www.jettct.com/. Many of her remarkable tools are available on audio cd and can be found at the success store at http://www.jettct.com/. If you would like to bring Pamela to your organization to share her remarkable communication tools, call Aimee at 866.726.5388. And, of course, you can reach Pamela directly at Pamela@JettCT.com.

It Drives Me Crazy When...

By Pamela Jett

We all have pet peeves at work. Things that people say or do that drives you to distraction or truly gets on your nerves. This post is devoted to those things that we wish people would not do or say. They may be small things, but like a splinter, they can be painful.

Over the last dozen years I have been conducting communication workshops and seminars all over the world. My clients have been more than willing to share with me what gets on their nerves at work. Here are the top two:

1. When people say are you busy? This is such an irritating question because there is no right answer. We all know that when someone, our leader or a co-worker, asks this question they are really trying to ask if now is a good time to talk or if we are available for them. The challenge is, if we answer "no - I'm not busy" - theoretically, the desired response, we are admitting we are not working. However, if we say we are busy, we sound unhelpful or unwilling to work as a team player.

2. Do you have a minute? Is another irritating question. Nothing takes just a minute! This is a classic case of bait and switch! People ask for a minute and wind up engaging us in a half hour conversation.

So, my question to readers of this blog is what is your pet peeve? What makes you crazy when your leader says it? What do you wish your colleague would stop saying? Please post a comment to this blog. I would love to hear from you. You can also send me an e-mail at Pamela@JettCT.com.

Pamela Jett, CSP is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. You can find information about her including how to bring her to your next meeting or event when you visit http://www.jettct.com/. Or, you can call Aimee at 1.866.726.5388.

"Phelpsian Feet" (Or Ought that to be Feat?)

By Pamela Jett

It seems that everyone is talking and blogging about Michael Phelps and his incredible feat (or ought that to be feet?) Like most people, I was so impressed by his discipline, his focus, his commitment, and his passion. It is so very easy to see applications to our lives as we work to achieve our goals and objectives personally and professionally. Much media was spent talking about the piece of paper he carried with him. No one had any idea what was on the piece of paper until after he won his 8th gold medal. He revealed that the paper simply contained his intention for the games – to win 8 gold medals. What a terrific example of the basic principles of goal setting – write your goals down and read them regularly. This increases the likelihood you will achieve them.

I was also intrigued by the media attention paid to Michael’s body type. He is essentially built for swimming; in particular he has long fingers and long feet. At one point, one of his team-mates used the term “Phelpsian feet” to describe how Michael’s feet are one of the reasons he is so great.

This got me thinking about how each one of us has our own “Phelpsian feet”. There is some skill, some talent, some strength, some unique skill or ability that each of us possesses. Are you using your “Phelpsian feet” to your advantage? Do you know what your strengths are? Are you volunteering for projects or assignments that can allow you to use those strengths?

Part of being an amazing communicator is to know how to communicate your value and worth in the workplace. In previous posts and in many of my programs I talk about sending out “I’m great up-dates” to keep your leaders in the loop regarding your contribution to the organization. It is so much easier to do this when you know your own strengths and you leverage those strengths to your advantage.

Michael Phelps is a great swimmer because he not only has the discipline to be great; he used his “Phelpsian feet” to become great at a sport he was uniquely suited for. Could you imagine him trying to be a world-class gymnast? He might have had the same discipline and the same passion to succeed. However, I doubt he would have been world-class. He is simply not built for it. He is built to swim and to swim fast. I challenge you to discover your own “Phelpsian feet” so you can experience tremendous feats of your own.

For more communication skills for success, visit Pamela on-line at http://www.jettct.com/. While you are there you can download free communication tools and assessments as well as watch clips of Pamela live.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388, at her website http://www.jettct.com/ , or Pamela@JettCT.com .

How to Be Heard Through the Noise

By Pamela Jett

I recently returned from a trip to NYC where I attended the annual convention of the National Speakers Association. The convention was wonderful! I had the opportunity hear and learn from world class speakers and tremendous thought leaders. Steve Forbes was on the main platform, I heard Tim Ferriss speak who is the author of the great book The Four Hour Workweek (I also saw him break-dance for that matter), and I also was able to hear Cathie Black who is the President of Hearst Magazines and the author of a terrific book every professional woman ought to read, Basic Black. While listening and learning from these speakers was tremendous, one of my most memorable experiences happened away from the meeting rooms and the main stage.

The convention was held at a hotel right on Time's Square. If you have ever been there, you know it is lit up with neon advertising 24/7. Things are going non-stop all day long. Advertisers compete for consumer attention in garish, flashing, huge displays - everywhere. One afternoon, while having a lovely conversation with a colleague and friend, I had the opportunity to sit in a restaurant high above Times Square and look out over all the visual stimulus. I was struck by several things; two of them involving all the visual "noise". First, I was struck by how lucky I am to do what I love for a living and travel. I was sitting overlooking something that many people only see on television. I am blessed to have wonderful opportunities to see amazing sites and do interesting things. I was also thinking that it is amazing that any advertiser can get anyone's attention - there is just so much competition. It is information and stimulus overload. This is rather like the average professional's day. E-mail, text messages, voice-mail, meetings, e-zines, proposals, contracts - yikes! It is information overload! It is a wonder anything is ever heard through the noise. If you are looking to stand out - to get the attention of another professional - you must do everything in your power to position your message strategically. Here are three tips for increasing the likelihood that you will be "heard through the noise".

1. Lead with your conclusions. If you are looking to grab someone's attention, lead with how much money your proposal will save them, or how many hours will be saved - essentially deliver the bottom line right up front. This will help grab attention and establish your credibility. For example, you could approach your leader and say "I have a solution to the distribution challenge we are facing that will shave 10% off our current costs".

2. Put things in writing. While not always necessary, people do tend to take things more seriously if they are in writing. For example, if you are in a meeting and want to garner support for your position, have a handout or some sort of documentation to share with others. This shows that you are serious and that you have done your homework. It also increases the likelihood that you will get credit for your contributions.

3. Ask "is now a good time to talk?" Respect for other people's time is very important. If you would like someone's attention, ask for it as opposed to assuming they are available. This is especially important if you are trying to get the attention of someone who works in a cube. If they say no, ask when you can schedule a conversation. To some of us, this may seem like simple common courtesy. However, when I conduct workshops and programs all over the United States, I hear complaint after complaint that people just "barge in" and assume it is convenient. Stand out from the crowd and be respectful.

While not guaranteeing that others will give you their undivided attention, using these tips can greatly increase your ability to be heard through the noise. For more tools, tips, and techniques, visit Pamela's website, http://www.jettct.com/, and go to the resource store.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who provides programs to associations, organizations and executives. To see Pamela live, you can go to her website, http://www.jettct.com/. Feel free to comment on this blog and pass it on to others. You can also e-mail Pamela at Pamela@JettCT.com.

Empathy - More Than Just a Word

I have recently had the opportunity to present programs on providing extraordinary customer service during tough economic times to several different clients. This program focuses on the "words that matter" when communicating with clients and customers. One of the tools I share during this program has value beyond simply customer service. It is a tool that can help us build, maintain, and even repair relationships of all kinds.



The tool that I am referencing is empathy. Most of us understand empathy to be the ability to project ourselves into the reality (and feelings) of others. In other words, to be able to understand (logically and emotionally) things from another's perspective. Empathetic communication is our ability to share that understanding with the other party. From my experience, many of us are able to feel empathetic towards another person. William James, who many consider to be the father of modern era psychology, teaches us that the deepest need of the human soul is to be understood. However, we can sometimes struggle when trying to communicate that empathy to another person in a way that they do, indeed, feel that we understand.



Here are a few tips to help you effectively communicate empathy:



1. Ditch the phrase I understand or minimize your dependence upon it. While it is perfectly acceptable to use I understand in average conversations, if you are looking to communicate that you really do understand (empathize), it is better to not rely upon trite, over-used, and sometimes shallow phrases. It would be better to say something that reflects the emotion the other person is experiencing. For example, a savvy communicator might say wow - that sounds very frustrating or this must be very frustrating for you. When you reflect back to the person you are communicating with the emotion they are expressing, they are far more likely to feel understood which is the true goal of empathy.

2. Avoid saying I know just how you feel. While you may, indeed, believe you know just how someone feels, rarely does this phrase have the intended effect. Typically, it will elicit the exact opposite - people will feel that all of a sudden the conversation has shifted from a focus on them to a focus on you. Besides, many people use the phrase I know just how you feel as a springboard to start talking about themselves and tell their story. While communicating to someone that you have had similar experiences and can identify with what they are going through is powerful, words matter and it would be better to communicate by allowing them to completely tell their story, ask probing questions, and when they have had the opportunity to thoroughly express themselves you can try something along the lines of - My heart goes out to you. When I went through something I felt very confused and sad. It sounds like you feel the same way. Obviously, this is simply an example. However, the principle behind the example is to reflect the emotions they are expressing without making it about you. Again, the goal of empathetic communication is met.

3. Ask lots of open-ended questions. Questions signal to your conversational partner that you are interested and involved in what he or she is expressing. By asking open-ended (non-leading and non-judgemental) questions, you allow people the opportunity to communicate and sometimes that is all it takes to make them feel understood.

4. Do not say you shouldn't feel that way. While sometimes this phrase is well intended - perhaps we are trying to let someone know that they are taking something personally when there is an alternative explanation - the impact this can have is devastating. The moment we tell someone they shouldn't feel the way they are feeling, we completely invalidate them. Besides, it never works. I've never heard someone respond with ok, I won't. It is more common for people to become defensive and frustrated, which is the complete opposite of empathetic communication.

Empathy is more than just a word. It is a mind-set. By adapting the mind-set that our goal is to communicate understanding, not simply pay lip service to it we can choose our words wisely and communicate empathy with confidence.

For more tools and techniques on communicating with confidence, visit the resource store at http://www.jettct.com/ to order Pamela's popular program Communicate With Confidence. Pamela Jett, CSP is a communication expert, speaker, and author who believes that words matter. For more information on bringing Pamela to your organization or event call Aimee at 855.726.5388 or visit www.JettCT.com.

The Core of Communication Confidence

by Pamela Jett

In my last post I talked about how important balance is for communication success. When we are out of balance in any area of our lives, it can make it very difficult to use the good communication skills most of us do indeed posses. Sometimes, regardless of how well balanced we are, life can throw us a few curves that can threaten to throw us off balance and impact our ability to communicate with confidence. It is at times like these that we must access our "core" in order to have successful communication (and successful relationships) during challenging times.

As many of my regular readers and clients know, I work with a personal trainer several times a week. Her name is Amber and she is terrific! One of the things we do on a regular basis are a series of "balance activities". For example, I will be holding weights (sometimes very heavy ones from my point of view, but not hers!) and then required to step up on a weight bench, balance on one leg, press the weights over my head, lower them, and return to the floor. Remember, this is all while standing on one leg! The only way I can stay up-right during this off balance activity is to tighten (or access) my core, those muscles located in my abdomen and lower back.

Not long ago I was working with clients and I realized that these "balance activities" where I have to access my core are parallel to what life is like for many of us on a regular basis. There are times that no matter how well we try to stay balanced, something will cause us to be off balance. Additionally, most, if not all, of us carry some heavy weights (burdens, responsibilities) on a regular basis. When we are thrown off balance by circumstances, events, someones behavior, a change in the organizational environment (or any of the other challenges life throws at us), most of us still need to be productive. We still need to effectively manage the weights that we carry.

It is at times like these that we must access our "personal core". Our "personal cores" are our values, our character, our inner strength that comes from our personal belief system. The challenging thing for many professionals is that we spend so much of our time dealing with our "weights" that we rarely take the time to ask ourselves the important questions such as "what matters most to me?" or "is this activity moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become" or " what do I want people to say about me when I am gone - what is the legacy I want leave?" These are the "big questions" of life. How we answer these questions typically reflects our highest priorities - our core.

It can be challenging to stay effective, to communicate effectively, when we are managing a heavy burden (weights). It can be even more challenging when life throws us off balance. It is during those heavily burdened, off balance times that our core matters. What is at your core? When we know who we are from the inside out, it is easier to communicate with confidence. We can say no and not feel guilty because we are engaging in behavior consistent with our values and beliefs. We can have the difficult conversations with others who may be engaged in inappropriate behavior because we value ourselves enough not to be doormats, the examples are endless.

I encourage you to find your core. Access it when times are tough. Ask yourself "is my communication moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become?"

For more information on communicating with confidence visit me, Pamela, at http://www.jettct.com/. If you have a success story about a time when you accessed your core for communication confidence, I would love for you to drop me a message at Pamela@jettct.com.

We also have exciting news! On July 9th I will be hosting a powerful teleseminar on providing exceptional customer service during tough economic times. This program will focus on the words and phrases front line service providers ought to use (and those "kiss of death" words and phrases to avoid - some will surprise you) to keep customers thrilled. It is not too late to register. Visit https://my.confertel.net/confertel/crsNewRegister.jsp?program=450002 to register.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website http://www.jettct.com/ .

Balance for Better Communication

By Pamela Jett

The other day I was working with clients and we were discussing how when we are "out of balance" emotionally (such as being angry), spiritually (such as being burnt out), physically (such as not getting good nutrition, rest and exercise) and mentally (not learning new things regularly to enhance career success), it is very difficult to use the good communication skills that we do indeed possess.

For example, if you are tired and feeling a bit overworked or under appreciated, it might be difficult to say "no" with tact and finesse to a colleague who requests that you help them with their project. (for more on how to say no with tact and finesse, check this blog's archives and visit www.JettCT.com for resources) Under more "balanced" circumstances, you might be able to easily access the good communication skills you posses. However, when we are "out of balance", we are more likely to say things we regret. Below are a few quick tips to help you maintain "balance" for better communication.

1. Remember that out of control emotions can make even smart people stupid. We want to be the master of our emotions and not let our emotions be the master of us. How do we do that? By using smart self talk during emotionally charged situations. By that I mean, when you are experiencing intense (and sometimes counter-productive emotions) you can move yourself out of your "emotional processing center" of the brain and into the "logical processing center" of the brain by engaging in smart self-talk such as trying to think of the names of the seven drawfs or doing sophisticated math in your head. By consciously over-riding your emotional processing center and accessing you logical processing center you are far more likely to choose your responses and words wisely in emotionally charged situations.

2. Remember to take time to "feed your soul". It is very difficult in our current culture of be more, do more, have more to take time to relax and "feed your soul". However, taking time in our regular schedule to do things that bring us joy can help us be more balanced. For example, many people take time for a hobby, or to read for pleasure, or to spend time with family and friends, listen to music, garden, the list of possibilities is endless. A balanced person takes time for themselves and spends time in joyful pursuits.

3. Value yourself enough to take care of yourself. This means the simple things like getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night, eating your breakfast, finding time for exercise. While we all know how to take care of ourselves, we often put ourselves last, taking care of everyone and everything else before we take care of ourselves. The flight attendants have it right when they say "put your own oxygen mask on before assisting those around you". An empty well gives no drink. Take the time to take care of yourself and you will find that it is easier to use the good communication skills you do indeed possess.

4. Get new "brain wrinkles" regularly. Did you know that when you learn something new you get a literal "wrinkle" in your brain? The matter in your head creates connections called neuro-pathways and they are like small wrinkles in our brains. The balanced individual takes time to learn new things regularly for their personal and professional development. They know that "knowledge is power", so they make a commitment to invest in themselves. Benjamin Franklin said "empty your pockets to feed your mind and your mind will feed your pockets." Powerful. I am convinced that people who are dedicated to learning new skills (even when it means investing thier own resources to do so) in all areas of their lives are better communicators because they simply have more options to choose from. I applaud the readers of this blog. The purpose of this blog is to provide those new skills, the new "brain wrinkles" so that my readers can experience more communication success.

If you would like more ways to "wrinkle your brain", visit www.JettCT.com. If you have a suggestion or there is a skill set you would like this blog to address, drop a note to Pamela@jettct.com.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.JettCT.com